As the first sports season of the school year wraps up, I’m looking back on our attendance record and wondering how I should feel. My 13-year-old is finishing her second year of cross country, and we made it to about half of the meets.
Is that good enough?
Is the Team a Family?
I’m actually shocked that we managed to get to as many meets as we did. Do the people who plan children’s sports deliberately make it as much of a chore for parents as possible? I’m sure they don’t. But if that is actually the goal, then I’d consider it a job well done. Why are the meets so far away? Do they have to start way before normal people get off work? Why do they expect families to stay for the entire meet, get to know all of the team members by name, and prepare obscene amounts of food for the team meals? Could they stop referring to the team as a “family”? What’s wrong with it just being a team?
Am I the only one feeling a little bit…disgusted?
Why Are We Doing This?
I don’t actually want to drag all five of my younger kids on a two-hour round trip drive to watch 30 seconds of running. I hate agonizing about whether to make sack dinners for all of us, which no one will eat, or stop at McDonald’s, which will cost $40. Trying to keep my toddler out of the way of the runners is both exhausting and terrifying. And I have absolutely no clue what to shout as my daughter and her teammates whiz by me. She spends most of the meet with her team, actively avoiding her parents and siblings, shrugging off my attempts at encouragement and congratulations. Can you blame her?
Can’t we just let the kids do the sports while we do the million other things that need to get done?
I’m not sure why it’s become so important to be so involved in our kids’ sports activities, but the expectations for parents today are way higher than when I was a kid. I was in cross country about a hundred years ago, and we didn’t have team meals. We didn’t have custom-made yard signs with our pictures on them, or banners to hang up at school. There were no parent meetings, or parent group-chats, or parent clubs. My parents didn’t go to all of the meets – or even most of the meets – and I’m pretty sure I didn’t care. They certainly weren’t decorating the school for homecoming at 6 am, or screaming my split times at me while I ran. The less they knew about what I was doing, the better – and vice-versa.
Separation Is Healthy
My theory is that parents today have weaker relationships with our kids than ever, so we’re looking for ways to prove to our kids – and to the community – that we’re still good parents. Phones, computers, and TVs have robbed us of real time with our children to the point that we’re really not even together when we’re all sitting down to a meal at the same table. We don’t talk. We don’t have much in common. But at least we know what sports they like, and we can form some kind of a bond around that.
Or can we? Does taking an active role in our kids’ sports actually bring us closer together?
Part of being a teenager is forming your own identity, separate from your parents. You figure out what music you like, what clothes you want to wear, and what friends you want to spend time with. Sports are another way to express who you are. They give you an opportunity to work hard and achieve goals with your coach and your team…no parents needed. Or wanted.
Don’t get me wrong – family identity is important. It’s foundational to who our kids are and who they will become. But teens have to build their own identity on top of that foundation, and we have to let them do it. They need to distance themselves from us and start building a life that we’re not 100% in control of or 100% involved in.
In other words, my daughter’s participation in sports should be her thing, not my thing.
You Don’t Have To Go To Every Meet
I’m not saying we should never, ever go to any of our children’s activities. But there’s a line that we have to make sure not to cross. Our children’s sports, and their achievements in those sports, are theirs. Not ours. They’re meant to help our kids build relationships with their team. Not with us. They need our encouragement and support. Not our coaching or criticism.
The next time you’re dreading the trip to yet another out-of-town game, pause for a second. Remember, this is your child’s event, not yours. You don’t have to be there. She does not need you to be there. Give her some encouragement before she leaves, send along a snack and a note, and be there to hear all about it when she gets home. That’s enough. That’s perfect, actually.
We’d love for you to share your experience with your kids and sports in the comments.
