Radical Motherhood

The worst thing you can do for your marriage

There is a lot of marriage advice out there. I googled “best marriage advice” and there were millions of results. Many of them say the same things- trust, be faithful, stay committed, be patient, and forgive your spouse- these are repeated over and over (in fact, I wrote about several of these things already). And it’s not that I don’t agree with all of these things, but I think there is one thing we aren’t talking about that is the worst mistake a married couple can make. Even couples who seem to do everything right often end up making this mistake, however unintentionally.

This is the big mistake-they put their children before their marriage.

Becoming a parent changes you at your core. I know when my oldest daughter was born, I thought there was nothing more important in the whole world than taking care of her. I was the one who wanted to get up in the night. I was the best at feeding her. She only wanted me to hold her when she was tired. I knew which outfits she liked and which ones were itchy or too small. I knew every moment of her life. She became my first priority.

I think that for most couples, when you have young children your marriage does take a backseat. You spend your days tending to your baby’s needs, not getting enough sleep, lacking the energy to give much attention to your spouse. It’s very easy, especially for mothers, to become over involved in our children’s lives from the very start. And for some mothers, the relationship with their children replaces the relationship they used to have with their spouse.

I was like this when my kids were little.

(Throwback to when Allison and I were little.)

Sometimes I couldn’t even muster the energy to have a conversation with Todd, let alone go on a date. I was consumed with motherhood. I didn’t want my kids to ever need anything, wait for my attention, or think they weren’t the most important thing in the world. I wanted to be a supermom. I was no longer interested in being a wife, only a parent.

Thankfully, my husband has always advocated for our marriage. He forced me early on to get out and be someone other than mom. He planned dates, trips, and time for us alone. He encouraged me to pursue things I was interested in, rather than let me identify only as mom. Often times, I dreaded being away from my girls. I would always have rather been at home than out with friends. But I am so thankful that he was persistent!

My husband and I will be celebrating 20 years of marriage in a couple of weeks. Within a couple of years, we will be empty nesters. While we will be sad to not have the girls there every day to keep us company, we have prepared our marriage for this period of our lives. We share interests and have plans for our life together, probably more than we will ever accomplish.

I understand why couples put their kids first.

And if there are any problems in the marriage, focusing on the kids is a great distraction. It gives the couple a mutual interest where there otherwise might not be one. In a home with a stay-at-home mom, this can be especially true. She spends most of the day caring for the kids and often has no time for interests outside of that.

Putting your children before your relationship with your husband not only puts your marriage in danger, it also affects your children. At some point, your kids will determine by the way you are treating them that they are the center of the universe, at least your universe. They will feel entitled to your attention which will carry over into the rest of their lives and they will expect the rest of the world to indulge their every desire as well.

So how do you put your marriage first?

I think it’s the little things that make all of the difference. There is not going to have to be a huge shift in your life in order to prioritize your relationship. It’s going to be subtle and it certainly doesn’t mean that you neglect the needs of your children. Here are some suggestions:

Have date nights. Even if it’s dinner or a movie at home after the kids are in bed.
Ask about how your spouse’s day was. Really ask and pay attention to the answer. Be invested in their triumphs and struggles. Pray for each other.
Don’t allow constant interruptions from your kids.
Talk about what you will do when your kids are grown and gone.
Be on the same page about parenting. Decide how and when to discipline together and when you do discipline, be united.
Text each other throughout the day about non-kid related things.

God’s design for marriage was for us to be “one flesh” with our spouses. He created children to grow up and leave their parents’ home, but he created marriage to never end. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children to model for them what a healthy relationship looks like and to be devoted to each other for your entire lives, not just the years your kids are at home.

Interested in learning more about what God wants for your marriage? Here are some of our favorite resources:

Focus on the Family: God’s Design for Marriage

The Lutheran Witness: God’s Design for Marriage

The Catechism of the Catholic Church: Marriage in God’s Plan

January 25, 2021 1 comment

Parenting

21 Parenting Books for 2021

written by Allison Schoonover

I love to read books about parenting and how to be a better mom. I don’t always take all (or any) of the advice in all of them, but I even enjoy parenting books that I think are totally wrong. Sometimes reading advice that I don’t agree with helps me clarify why I’m doing what I’m doing as a mom. So, I haven’t done everything I’ve read in the books that follow, but all of them (with the exception of one that I’m looking forward to reading this year) have helped me grow closer to the parent and the person that I want to be. If you’re looking for inspiration to grow as a parent this year, this list gives you 21 of my suggestions.

Here is a quick version of the list with links to each book on GoodReads, where you can read summaries and reviews of the books, as well as find links to purchase them or find them at a nearby library. The rest of the post will give a quick synopsis of each book and why I liked it with a photo of the book and another link to GoodReads.

In no particular order:

Parenting with Grace, by Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D., and Lisa Popcak

According to the back cover, this book contains “practical, faith-filled solutions to common problems of every childhood stage – sleep problems, tantrums, school/homework problems, faith issues, childhood fears, dating, dealing with technology and media, and much, much more!” I love this book because it describes almost perfectly the way I want to think and act as a parent. The basic philosophy of Parenting with Grace is to guide your children the way that God and the Church guide us (even as adults): to set high expectations, but to offer a constant means of repentance and reconciliation when those expectations are not met. This is a book by Catholics, for Catholics, but it could most definitely be read and used by Christian parents of any denomination.

If you like the book, or maybe you want to find out a little more about the authors before you read it, check out their website at https://catholiccounselors.com/more2life-radio/. You can listen to their podcasts (which I have found SO helpful) and even get personalized coaching and counseling services.

Discovering God Together, by Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D., and Lisa Popcak

By the same authors as #1 above, this book is also about parenting, but the focus is on how to raise kids who retain their faith into adulthood. In my experience, this is both the most important and the most difficult mission of Christian parents. Again, this book is written by Catholics, for Catholics, but I think any Christian parent would find this book helpful. According to GoodReads.com, Discovering God Together teaches:

“-The five marks of a Catholic family. Are you missing the most important?
-How to keep rituals fresh and alive rather than boring and routine.
-The four characteristics of teaching your children to have the heart of a disciple.
-The one thing children need to catch their faith on fire.
-How to shepherd your kids through the seven stages of faith.
-Six steps to helping kids develop individual prayer time
-How to discern your family’s charism – and what to do with it.
-How to foster your children’s sense of mission.”

Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay

This is a book that’s been around for years (31, to be exact), and it has a huge following. If you like the book, you can even take classes on this parenting method online or (when/if pandemic restrictions ease up) in person. The main takeaway for me was that if you want to raise kids who can make good decisions and thrive as adults, you need to give them ample opportunity to make their own choices – and mistakes – in childhood. The book jacket says that with this method, “Your kids will win because they’ll learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. And you’ll win because you’ll establish healthy control – without resorting to anger, threats, nagging, or exhausting power struggles.” Who can argue with that? (Actually, book #5 on this list, by Heather Forbes, does present an interesting argument against “love and logic” parenting…)

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay

As you might guess, this book takes the ideas and methods from Parenting with Love and Logic and applies them specifically to the teenage years. So far, I have raised (or am in the middle of raising) three teens, and I’ve really struggled to figure out the balance between the freedom they need to prepare for adulthood and the control I need to protect them from themselves. I’ve found that you really do have to re-examine and adapt your parenting philosophy for kids in adolescence, and this book makes it all seem so simple and logical. According to GoodReads, “Covering a wide range of real-life issues teens face–including divorce, ADD, addiction, and sex–this book gives you the tools to help your teens find their identity and grow in maturity.”

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, by Heather T. Forbes LCSW

I discovered this book when we were foster parents, and while it’s written to address issues specific to kids with trauma and/or severe behaviors, I think all parents would benefit from reading it. Interestingly, this author disagrees with the “Love and Logic” method, at least for children with difficult backgrounds and behaviors, but my foster parenting class promoted “Love and Logic” methods, and we could earn continuing education credits by attending the “Love and Logic” classes. Hmmm. If you’re raising kids in foster care or who have behavior problems, I’d recommend reading both perspectives and drawing your own conclusions.

Free to Learn, by Peter Gray

Peter Gray is a psychologist and a proponent of learning without school. If you’ve ever read John Holt (How Children Learn, Teach Your Own, and Learning All the Time are some of my favorites) or are interested in the “unschooling” philosophy, you’re already familiar with many of the ideas in this book. If you’ve never heard of it, unschooling/learning without school means giving your children an education without sending them to a traditional school or using traditional schooling materials or methods at home. It’s basically letting your kids teach themselves through play and pursuing their own interests, and limiting your role as parent/teacher to providing resources and guidance when they ask for it. That’s probably not a textbook definition, but that’s my understanding of it. If you’ve never studied – or questioned – our modern educational philosophy and system, you need to read a book like this. It’s also a great book for homeschoolers who are struggling to make traditional homeschool curriculum and methods work for their families.

The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D

The original Five Love Languages book was designed for couples; this version uses the same philosophy and adapts it for kids. Basically, your love language is the best way for someone to communicate their love to you. My love language, for example, is “acts of service.” If someone really wants to make me feel loved, they need to do something for me, like wash the dishes or clean out the garage. My husband’s love language is “words of encouragement,” so to make him feel loved, I need to tell him why I think he’s such a great guy. On the other hand, if he tries to show his love for me by telling me how great I am, I tend to think “Oh yeah? Well then SHOW it, you lazy bum!” Actually, that’s not 100% true; each of us needs all five methods of communication, but we definitely need MORE of the one that feeds us the most. Each child has his or her own preferred love language, and by figuring out what it is, we can strengthen our relationship with that child. Now that I’m writing about it, I think I need to revisit it and try to figure out some of my younger kids. It really does help!

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, by Gary Chapman

As with The Five Love Languages of Children, this books takes the concept of the five love languages and applies it to teenagers. As I said earlier, teens really are different from kids, and the way we express our love to them has to adapt as they get older.

The Power of a Praying Parent, by Stormie Omartian

I wish I prayed for my kids the way Stormie Omartian prays for hers. This book has a short reading, a prayer, and a few bible verses to use when praying for your kids in different circumstances (for example, maintaining good family relationships, attracting Godly friends and role models, and rejecting sexual immorality). I’ve read it many times, and I hope to read it many more. The prayers are excellent, and the readings tell stories from the author’s life that relate to the topic at hand. If you’ve ever felt like a certain situation with your child is absolutely hopeless, and you’re powerless to do anything about it, use this book to help you pray about it! Sometimes it’s the best – or only – thing you can do.

The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, by Stormie Omartian

Many, many times, I have wondered how I could possibly help my older children find and follow God’s will for their lives. Young adults face so many decisions and temptations, and it’s rare that they actually ask for our advice (or listen to it when we offer it unsolicited). This book helps parents to pray for their adult children’s specific needs (some chapter titles include: “Find freedom, restoration, and wholeness;” “Understand God’s purpose for their lives;” and “Be protected and survive tough times”). This is one you’ll refer to again and again.

77 Ways to Pray with Your Kids, by Jerry Windley-Daoust

Teaching kids to love prayer doesn’t have to be elaborate or difficult. This book has tons of simple ideas for kids of all ages, most of which have been helpful for my own prayer life. This is a Catholic book, and some of the prayers are specifically Catholic, but many are not. One of my favorite ideas (which I still haven’t actually done) is to make a pillowcase with a favorite prayer or bible verse on it to help kids remember to pray before bed. Wouldn’t that be great?

The Little Oratory: A Beginner’s Guide to Praying in the Home, by David Clayton and Leila M. Lawler

The “little oratory” is a spot you create in your home dedicated to prayer and displaying sacred art and items. It’s a table, or even just a shelf on a bookcase, that reminds you and your family to make God the center of your home and your lives. This book gives you a plan for building a little oratory from items you already own and using it to bring your faith alive for your children. I’ve added a little oratory and more and more sacred artwork to our home over the years, and even if you never point it out or talk about it, I firmly believe that seeing crosses, crucifixes, religious paintings and figurines, and other visual reminders throughout the home helps build our families’ faith in a real and significant way.

Catholic Family Fun, by Sarah A. Reinhard

I’m the first to admit that when it comes to organizing family activities, I’m pretty terrible. Even simple things, like playing a board game, just don’t ever seem to happen, or if they do, they end in sobbing and screams of “I hate you! I’m never playing with you again!” What I like about this book is that many of the activities are free and require absolutely no preparation at all, like running laps around the house or singing silly songs together. Most of the activities can be adapted so that you can either bring in the “faith angle” or leave it out, which I appreciate because I’m not always in the mood to make everything a “teachable moment.” Sometimes, we just want to have fun just for the sake of having fun. If you struggle, as I do, to get your kids to do anything together except bicker, give this book a try.

John Rosemond’s Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children, by John Rosemond

I actually have the “old” edition of this book, which was probably the first parenting book I ever read, almost 20 years ago. Rosemond advocates what I would call a “traditional” parenting style that teaches kids responsibility and independence by giving them responsibility and independence. Parents, not children, are the rightful center of the family. This book is a no-nonsense, back-to-basics guide that I think is particularly helpful for modern parents who are overwhelmed by all of the different and conflicting advice circulating today. If you want to raise your kids the way your grandparents and great-grandparents did, this book will show you the way.

Ending the Homework Hassle, by John Rosemond

If you have a child who struggles with homework, you need to read this book. This is another oldie-but-goodie from John Rosemond that will help you and your child’s teacher(s) put the responsibility for homework problems back on the child, so you can end what he calls the “homework hassle.” You know, that never-ending cycle of trying to help your child get his work done and him not wanting to do it and you getting more and more upset and more and more involved as he cares less and does less about it and his grades get worse and worse, while the teacher focuses all of her attention on helping you fix the problem rather than expecting the child to fix it himself? This book gives you a practical, concrete plan for eliminating the homework hassle and letting go of your need to make your child’s school performance your problem.

Getting Past Perfect, by Kate Wicker

If you struggle with feeling inferior to other moms and find yourself constantly comparing yourself and your kids to other families, this book will help. With chapters like, “Perfectionism, Supermom’s Kryptonite: Being Imperfect Is All That Is Expected of You” and “I Am Mother! Hear Me Roar!: Your Child’s Success Is Not A Measure Of You”, this book really helped me get over myself and accept – embrace, even – that I am not perfect, and neither are my kids.

Divine Mercy for Moms, by Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet

This book is all about mercy, a concept that I think many of us forget about in our busy, achievement-driven, self-focused lives. Through the teachings of St. Faustina, a famous Catholic saint, this book teaches us how to be more merciful in our daily lives as mothers. It isn’t specifically focused on child-rearing, but the authors do incorporate many ideas for teaching children about mercy and helping them carry out spiritual and corporal works of mercy. In our quick-to-judge, slow-to-forgive culture, I think we all need a reminder that “…the judgment is merciless to one who has not shown mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.” James 2:13.

The Read-Aloud Handbook, by Jim Trelease

I have the old version of this book, which has been around for almost 40 years, and I love it. One of the failures I feel worst about as a mom who loves to read is that most of my children don’t like it at all. They look at reading as a chore and will only grudgingly listen while I read to them. I bought this booking hoping to get some ideas for changing that, and I wasn’t disappointed. If nothing else, it has encouraged me to persist in reading aloud, even when no one seems to be getting anything out of it. This book has some great practical ideas for implementing read-aloud time in your family, as well as ideas for good read-aloud books.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I got this book in the hopes that it would help me have an actual conversation with my teenagers, and I think it has. I tend to forget all of the rules of human interaction when it comes to my kids, and this book was a good reminder that hey, kids are people too, and you should talk to them as such. They deserve to be listened to – really listened to – and treated as though their ideas matter (even if you think they’re wrong). The number one best way I’ve found to get my kids to listen to me is to make a habit of stopping what I’m doing and giving them my full attention when they want me to listen to them. I think this book might come off as a little hippy-dippy (it was written in 1982) to some, but I definitely learned a few important things from it.

A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms, by Lisa M. Hendey

This one is on my own reading list for 2021, so I can’t really give my thoughts on it, other than to say I’m excited to get started. This is another Catholic book, but if you aren’t Catholic, don’t let that turn you off. These are 52 inspiring stories about famous heroes of the faith (one per week for a year) with scripture verses to study and related activities to do for moms and for kids. I truly don’t think you need to be Catholic to learn from it.

The Sleepeasy Solution, by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivak

Getting a good night’s sleep seems like such an easy thing to do…unless you can’t. If you’re having trouble getting your baby or toddler on a sleeping schedule that doesn’t leave both of you cranky and exhausted, this book will change your life. I’ve never had a baby who slept through the night, but the closest I ever came was when I was using this method with my 3-year-old. It was so close to working, and then my 2-year-old came along and I gave up. So many people will tell you how easy it was to get their baby to sleep all night and proceed to give you all kinds of unhelpful, vague advice that you’ve heard a hundred times before. This book is not like that. You get real, detailed, science-backed strategies that even 8-time baby-sleep losers like me can implement. If I can do it, so can you!

Happy reading! Please, leave us a comment and share your favorite parenting book!

January 20, 2021 0 comment

Mom Life

Homemaking: More than just laundry

written by Emily Thams

It’s time to put the Christmas decorations away.

Ugh. I feel like I just put away all of those empty storage totes back in storage. Now it’s cold and it’s dark in there, and there are cobwebs, and I have to go get them again to put all of that stuff in them, and then take them back to the storage unit! Ornaments, candles, decorative trees, tablecloths, greenery (so much greenery!), two artificial Christmas trees, tree skirts, wreaths…

Every year before Christmas, I vow to only put out a minimal amount of shiny red and gold and green things. I tell myself not to buy anything new. I make a pact with myself to go through the totes and toss, donate, or sell.

After Christmas, I curse myself for buying something new (this year- these pretty tin trees!), I don’t throw a single thing away, and end up just stuffing everything into a tote to hide it until next year.

It’s exhausting to think about, let alone do. But I will do it anyway.

I’m not giving any advice here about storing your Christmas decorations or anything actually practical. I’m here to tell you why I go to the effort every year to make my house amazingly Christmasy. (Even though I regret it in January.)

So why do I do it?

I do it because I am a homemaker. And maybe that’s all I am. But here’s why that’s enough.

I am a stay-at-home mom so I am home all day, making a home. That means cooking, cleaning, and laundry. But it also means making my home a comfortable, loving place for my family. It means making our home their haven. It’s the place they long to be all day long at school or work. It’s safe and warm. It has that familiar home smell (in our house that’s a mixture of cinnamon and dog). Their favorite snacks are in the drawer and their bedrooms have pictures of their friends on the wall and their favorite pillow is on the bed. They can take off their shoes, put on sweats, and lay on the couch. They can be completely themselves.

And yes, it can be monotonous to take care of your home day in and day out, with no coworkers to talk to. But the ordinary things we do every day bless our families just as much as earning money at a job. Each act of service we do in our home can be done for God’s glory, and what could be more important than doing that?

Creating this environment is my life’s work. It’s an expression of love. Homemaking is an outlet for your creativity, an opportunity to forge strong relationships with your family, and a way to make God the center of your life.

“Homemaking is surely in reality the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, mines, cars, government, etc. exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? … The homemaker’s job is one for which all others exist.” C.S. Lewis

So that includes putting up and taking down decorations for each season. Even though it’s a giant pain.

January 11, 2021 0 comment

Mom Life

Are Stay at Home Moms Better Moms?

written by Allison Schoonover

We live in a world where every issue seems to polarize people into two opposing sides, and to have any kind of discussion about any issue means to choose and defend your side against the opposition. The goal isn’t to enlighten or to be enlightened, it’s to make your point and crush your “enemy.” You’re either for something or against it, and therefore either for or against the people who agree or disagree with you. Whether you’re respectful, or charitable, or even civil toward the other side is irrelevant, because, after all, you’re right and they’re idiots. Our lives are like a football game, and we’re the crazed, bare-chested fans screaming obscenities across the stands.

Are stay-at-home moms and working moms enemies?

The whole purpose of this blog is to be a format for encouragement, and one of my fears is that we’ll get drawn into this us vs. them culture as it relates to our topic, stay-at-home motherhood. Being a working mother has always been controversial, and obviously, as a mom, each of us has to decide whether or not to work. But that doesn’t mean that working moms and stay-at-home moms have to be enemies, and I don’t want to be part of the attempt to pit stay-at-home moms against working moms as though we were.

One of my favorite YouTube channels is a vlog by a full-time working mom. I don’t watch her because she’s a working mom, although she talks a lot about how important her career is and what life is like as a working mom. I’m not sure why I like her channel so much, but certainly part of it is that her concerns, and struggles, and even her day-to-day life are a lot like mine, despite the fact that she spends most of her day at work. She recently posted a video about a nasty comment she received from a viewer about how greedy she was and how she valued her job and her income above her children. This viewer even went so far as to say that she would probably end up divorced, and her children would resent her forever because she missed out on their childhood.

The YouTuber’s response was to (very charitably, I thought) tell her viewers that being a working mom does not make you a bad mom, and I wholeheartedly agree with her. Being a working mom does not make you a bad mom, any more than being a stay-at-home mom makes you a good mom.

But…wait. Aren’t I admitting that working moms can be good moms? And that stay-at-home moms can be bad moms? What could possibly be the point of being a stay-at-home mom if not to dominate in the game of motherhood? Well, yes, I am admitting that working moms can be good moms. And that, conversely, being a stay-at-home mom is no guarantee that you’ll do everything (or even most things) right.

So why be a stay-at-home mom?

The point of being a stay-at-home mom is bigger than I can to summarize in one sentence or one post, but I can tell you pretty quickly what the point is NOT: the point of staying home with your children has nothing to do with what other moms are doing. The point is not to be “better” than the mom next door, whose kids are home alone after school while she’s at work. It’s not to be “better” than the mom in your book club who talks more about her promotion than what her kids are doing. It’s not to be “better” than your sister-in-law, who only breastfed her baby for six weeks while she was on maternity leave. Being a stay-at-home mom is not about other moms at all; it’s something you choose to do for the sake of your children, your marriage, and your soul.

It is the best and most important decision a mother will make, but we all need to be careful about how much credit we give ourselves for the good choices we’ve made and how much criticism we heap upon those who have chosen differently. If we are truly striving to be Christ-like, what we want isn’t domination or even really to make our point. What we want is conversion; not to be on the right “side,” but to reveal the Truth, and for the light of Truth to drive out the darkness in the hearts of those who have been deceived.

Our mission as stay-at-home moms

So how exactly do we reveal the truth to people in our day-to-day lives? How do we counteract the discord and hate that seem to be everywhere and reach out, instead, with love?

We can’t. Not on our own. First, we need God. Love – real love – isn’t possible without Him. But also, we need each other. We need practical advice and encouragement from other people who share our vision.

Our prayer for Radical Motherhood in 2021 is that, in cooperation with the Holy Spirit, we can transform this blog into a source of encouragement and community for stay-at-home-moms, to help you to be a witness not only to your children, but to other moms and to everyone around you. Our families need us desperately; our culture needs us desperately. The most important place we can be, the place where we wield the power to change the world, isn’t behind a desk, at a press conference, or in a boardroom; it’s in our own homes.

As William Ross Wallace once wrote:

Woman, how divine your mission,

Here upon our natal sod;

Keep—oh, keep the young heart open

Always to the breath of God!

All true trophies of the ages

Are from mother-love impearled,

For the hand that rocks the cradle

Is the hand that rules the world.

January 6, 2021 1 comment

Mom Life

How to Budget Without A Budget

written by Allison Schoonover

If you’re serious about being a stay-at-home mom, you have to figure out how to make it work financially. You have to make sacrifices, and you have to put at least a little bit of thought into what to cut out of your life and what to keep. But it doesn’t have to be painful, and it doesn’t mean spending hours every month balancing spreadsheets and deciding where every last penny will go. The hardest part is when you first start out, and we have two great posts (and a free workbook) to help you with that:

Living on One Income, Part I

Living on One Income, Part II

After you make the initial effort to figure out exactly how much money you have (or will have) coming in, and what you absolutely have to spend on necessities each month, I don’t think that the time and energy that goes into setting a monthly budget and dividing it up into cash envelopes and tracking all of your expenses and creating sinking funds and having 15 different bank accounts is worth it. I respect and admire many things about Dave Ramsey, but I am a Financial Peace University dropout. In fact, I respect and admire anyone who is dedicated enough to put that much energy into managing their money. But it ain’t me, and it’s okay if it ain’t you either.

No budget? No problem.

In fact, I manage our family finances without using a written budget at all. I don’t even balance my checkbook. Really. (Although I did use the nice little leather checkbook and check register holder that came with my Financial Peace University course for quite some time. I just never actually recorded anything in it.) And we still have a great credit score and a decent bank account balance, all on one income. If you’re hesitant to quit your job because you don’t think you can manage on a lower income, or you dread the idea of budgeting and penny pinching, keep reading to find out how I keep us afloat with a very minimal amount of bookkeeping or stress.

So, what’s my secret?

It’s simple: I changed the way I thought about money.

I decided that I was no longer going to make my life a quest for more and more money and more and more stuff. Once you kick money off of the center stage of your life, it’s pretty easy to live within your means. It’s like when you stop eating sweets or carbs or processed foods, and your body actually stops craving them. (To be totally honest, I’ve never actually given up sweets or carbs or processed foods, but friends have told me that this is what happens. We’ll just take their word for it.)

There was a time when I thought that the amount of money and stuff you had was how you measured your success as a human being. When I had that mindset, I was always looking forward to getting more money and buying more stuff, because I thought that meant I was a little bit closer to really “having it all.”

But somewhere along the line, I realized two things:

1. I’m not very good at making money. At the rate I was going, “having it all” was never going to happen.
2. More money and more stuff weren’t making me happier. It was starting to seem like NO amount of money or stuff could do that.

So, rather than accept the conventional wisdom that I was a failure and my life was doomed to be miserable, I decided to rethink my ideas about making money, and spending money, and success, and happiness, and the purpose of life.

I decided that instead of fixating on what I might be able to buy if I had just a little more money, I would focus on enjoying what I DO have and figuring out how to get the most out of the things we already own. And you wouldn’t think that would really work, but it did. I think the challenge of reusing things and fixing things up and finding bargains can refocus that competitive, “keeping up with the Joneses” energy and give it a better outlet. I also started to be more generous with our money and giving to those who have less. It’s harder to feel bad about the new laptop you can’t afford when you get letters each month from people who live in cardboard shacks and eat one meal a day.

I still want things that are silly and extravagant and way out of our means (if we had $20,000, for example, I know exactly which camper we would buy), and sometimes I buy things that I regret or cut it just a little too close at the end of the month. But for the most part, it isn’t hard. And I’m not more virtuous or disciplined than you are, I promise.

What about savings? College? Retirement?

There’s one other component to living budget-free that I feel like I have to address: we aren’t saving huge amounts of money for the future. We don’t have a whole year of income set aside “just in case.” We are not on track to pay for our children’s college education (in our case, this would literally be a million dollar expense) or to retire early and travel the world (another million). But we made those decisions together based on our priorities. For us, having me at home to raise our kids is a much better investment than a 401k or a college savings account. And, according to my math, no amount of budgeting or manipulating or penny-pinching is ever going to be able to send our 8 kids to college or sock away a million dollars in a retirement fund. If they have to find a way to do college on their own, and we have to work well into our golden years, so be it. No degree or vacation or retirement village can stack up against the precious time I get to spend with my kids when they’re young.

Some practical tips

There are also some practical things I do each month that make my no-budget lifestyle run smoothly:

I pay off every bill as soon as I get it. I’ve learned that if I wait, I will lose the bill or forget to pay it.
I pay off my credit card balance once a week. Well, I TRY to pay it off once a week. At minimum, I pay it off before the end of the billing cycle to minimize the interest fees.
I try to keep a cushion in my checking account, because when I used to transfer all of my savings into a separate account right away (“pay myself first”), I would always cut it too close and bounce checks.
I set up as many bills as I can on auto-pay. Just make sure that you don’t set them all to come out during the same week. I try to spread mine out so that some hit the first paycheck of the month and some hit the second (my husband gets paid every other week).
I glance over my bank account and credit card account transactions probably once a month or so to make sure there aren’t any surprises. I’ve never actually found a surprise in my bank account, but I’ve found several on my credit card. Mainly because subscriptions to various things renew before I remember to cancel them. It’s worth the effort.
I avoid window shopping, browsing stores online, and watching ads as much as I possibly can. It’s harder to want something if you don’t know it exists.
Once a year, usually when we do our taxes, I look over all of our income and expenses and figure out a) how much we need to donate/tithe for the coming year, and b) whether we need to cut back on our spending in any particular area.

So here’s my action plan for those of you who are like me when it comes to managing money:

Spend some time with your husband talking about your overall money philosophy. Try to get on the same page with him about your money goals – and life goals. We have a really great workbook to help with this part on our subscriber freebie page. (Subscribe to our newsletter and you can access everything on that page for free!)
Refer to your new personal money philosophy every time you’re about to buy something you know you don’t absolutely need. Ask yourself if it would be consistent with your philosophy to buy this thing.
Embrace what works for you. If, like me, you can’t keep track of your bills unless you pay them right away, do that! If you find that you actually enjoy setting up a filing system for your bills and paying them right on time, do it that way instead! Whatever system you use will work so much better if you tailor it to accommodate your unique strengths and weaknesses.

What’s your favorite budgeting or money tip? Share it with us in the comments!

Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

September 10, 2020 0 comment

Parenting

Why You Don’t Need a Homeschool Room

written by Allison Schoonover

If you’re a new homeschooler, one of the decisions you’re facing is how and where to set up your “homeschool room.” That can be a huge obstacle, especially for families like mine who don’t really have a spare room or the budget for all new homeschool furniture.

But, guess what?

You don’t need a homeschool room.

Really.

Keep reading to find out why a homeschool room didn’t work for us, and why I don’t think it’s a good idea for your family, either.

I have tried, several times, to set up a designated homeschool room in my house. Don’t you just love the idea of a homeschool room? The color-coordinated displays of craft supplies? The bookshelves organized by subject matter? The bulletin boards? Oh, the cute and clever things you can do with a bulletin board! I even used to have a poster with the Pledge of Allegiance on it and had visions of us reciting it every morning (nope, didn’t happen). The homeschool room is probably what excited me the most as a new homeschool mom. For years, I struggled with the notion that if we didn’t do school in a school room, we were doing it wrong.

But, looking back now, I am here to tell you that you do NOT need a homeschool room. I would even go so far as to say that you do not WANT a homeschool room. In fact, I think I would even say this:

The homeschool room epitomizes, for me, all that is misguided and wrong with the typical understanding of what homeschooling is and how it should be done.

So, before you start agonizing over furnishing, decorating, and stocking your own homeschool room, take a look at the (many and convincing) reasons that I think they’re a bad idea.

You will feel guilty for wanting to stop using it, and even more guilty when you actually do stop using it. Do you need one more thing to feel guilty about?
Kids don’t like homeschool rooms. Even if they’re really, really cute. In fact, the only thing they will enjoy doing in the homeschool room is knocking over and tearing down all the cute stuff.
Moms don’t like homeschool rooms either. We like to design them, and put them together, but even we don’t like to spend time in them.
Why trap yourself in just one room of the house for the majority of the day? If I were going to do that, I would at least choose a room with food and a TV in it.
Isn’t the worst part about school sitting at a desk all day? Who wants to sit at a desk all day, when your house is full of beds, and couches, and comfy spots on the floor and under trees in the backyard?
If you have a homeschool room, that means one less bedroom, or playroom, or den, or TV room, or knitting room.
“Homeschool room” is really just a euphemism for “place to hoard a bunch of curriculum that we will never use.” The more space you give yourself to accumulate homeschool stuff, the more you will buy. And, if you’re like me, 75% of it will get used one time. Or less.
Having a homeschool room establishes the mentality that learning only takes place in that room, when you’re “doing school.” Not so! Learning is happening always and everywhere. Sticking it in a room and calling it school is a sure-fire way to convince your kids that it’s boring and not worth the effort.
It’s really hard to do something that requires concentration when you’re stuck in a small room with a bunch of kids. Even if you’re one of the kids. And believe me, you do not want to make it harder for your kids to concentrate.
If you have a homeschool room, you have to make (and enforce) a lot of extra rules regarding the homeschool room. Can you leave the homeschool room during homeschool time? If so, for what reason(s)? Can you play in the homeschool room? Can you take things out of the homeschool room? Can you eat in the homeschool room? If these things seem too obvious to need rules around them, you probably haven’t actually tried to have a homeschool room before.
Furniture is expensive. And hard to get rid of once you realize that it’s useless. I cannot tell you how many desks, shelves, chairs, tables, and cabinets I’ve gotten that I knew would be just perfect for our homeschool room…and then…they weren’t. Don’t give yourself another reason to buy and dislike more furniture.
The more time, effort, and money you put into a homeschool room, the more you will force yourself, and your kids, to use it even when it’s not working for you. That goes against the whole philosophy of homeschooling.

So, get off of Pinterest, stop watching homeschool room tours on YouTube, and relax. Throw your extra yarn stash and a couch in there instead and call it your knitting lounge.

August 8, 2020 0 comment

Parenting

Homeschool Mistakes: What Not to Do When You Start Homeschooling

written by Allison Schoonover

Are you new to homeschooling or wondering whether homeschooling is even possible for your family? Read this post. Learn what I did wrong so you can set your family up for success.

When I started homeschooling, I make a lot of mistakes. So, so many mistakes. As in, it eventually got so bad that I gave up and couldn’t get the kids back in school fast enough. Now, I’ve had a few years to reflect, to learn, and to try something better with my younger kids. I DO NOT have everything figured out. There is no area of motherhood that causes me more self-doubt and worry than homeschooling. But, there are a few things I know…and here they are:

My biggest homeschool mistakes and how you can avoid them:

Mistake #1: Having unrealistic expectations. These are still your children. You know, the ones you have to drag out of bed on school days and who would rather do anything than read that awesome chapter book you just bought. They are not going to wake up on the first day of homeschooling eager to sit at the kitchen table (or your newly furnished homeschool room) for hours, filling out worksheets and memorizing times tables. Well, maybe they’ll be that way on day one, but they will certainly have wised up by day two. Worksheets and times tables and 99% of what we think of as “educational” are – let’s face it – boring. Kids are not going to love school just because you’ve brought it into your home and made yourself the teacher. Which brings me to my next mistake…
Mistake #2: Trying to recreate school at home. I’m going to lose some of you on this one, but hear me out: school is not the best way for kids to learn. You probably agree with that, at least in part, or you wouldn’t be considering homeschooling. But many of us think that the fundamental structure of school is good – we go out and buy math books, and language arts books, and science books, and social studies books, and don’t forget art, music, foreign language, bible/religion…and then we sit our kids down and try to “teach” it all to them for hours and hours every day. Trust me on this one: unless you are a very authoritarian parent with unusually compliant children, this is not going to go well. You will end up hating school and hating the screaming, whining, bribing, manipulating nag you have become. Your kids won’t like her much either.
Mistake #3: Not understanding our end goal. When I started homeschooling, I thought I’d measure our success by how well my kids “kept up” with their peers at school. My goal was to keep them “on track” so they would know everything they were supposed to know by the time they graduated. That may sound like a great goal…but why? Because we want our kids to know exactly what the school system has decided they need to know? Because we’re afraid that if they don’t, they’ll never get into college or get a job? Because if they don’t learn what everyone else learns, they’ll be weird, and we’ll look like bad parents? I’ve been there. I’ve agonized over this for the better part of a decade, and I’ve read a LOT of books about our modern, Western ideas on education. My conclusion? School as we know it gets almost everything wrong, and emulating it should NOT be a homeschooler’s goal. What I want for my kids may be a little different than what you want for yours, but neither of us wants to limit them to “keeping up” with the school system. Read some John Holt and Peter Gray, and then set your homeschool goals.
Mistake #4: Buying a lot of curriculum (that’s fancy homeschool talk for “school books”). Now, I love to buy curriculum. I could spend hours online, reading reviews, looking at books, yearning for all the boxed sets, science kits, manipulatives, and educational toys. I have inflicted a book or toy from nearly every homeschool publisher under the sun on my children. So, believe me when I say this: the more you love it, the more they will despise it. Or, worse yet, simply ignore it. Curriculum is not interesting to kids. Using curriculum ingrains in your children the mentality that learning is something you have to endure until the end of the lesson, the book, the worksheet, the test…and then (thankfully) it’s over. I have found myself prying real coins out of my son’s hand so that he will stop “messing around” and cut out the paper coins that are part of his math lesson. What??? Don’t do that. Let your kids learn real things the way they want to learn them. Real coins are better than paper coins.
Mistake #5: Asking what other people are doing. Remember, your goals are not about keeping up with anyone else. No matter who you ask, you will walk away from that conversation feeling bad about what you’re doing and envious of what they’re doing, or overly confident in your own methods and judgemental about theirs (I do, anyway). And, as someone who is raising 8 kids, I can assure you that each child is different. What your friend is having wonderful success with could very well be a big flop at your house (been there, done that…repeatedly). Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’ll end up comparing your homeschool or your kids to someone else’s. It’s not fair to you, to your kids, or to the other family.
Mistake #6: Trying to separate homeschooling from the rest of our day/life. Things I regret: trying to create a “homeschool room”; feeling guilty about not using the homeschool room; setting specific hours in which to “do school”; using fun activities as a reward for “doing school”; differentiating between “educational” and “non-educational” books, videos, and toys; and the basic mentality that learning is part of school and is separate from the rest of our lives. Kids are wired to learn. They are born curious. They are constantly learning. Why, at age 4 or 5, do we have to separate that learning into specific subjects, or certain times of the day, or designated rooms? Why don’t we trust them, or ourselves, to keep that learning going throughout their childhood, without all the trappings of school?

When you reflect on your experience of “school”, what comes to mind? For many of us, not only is there not much that’s positive, there’s not much of anything at all. School is endured, and largely forgotten. Is that what you want for your kids, or your homeschool? I spent a year of my life in high school learning trigonometry, and I got an A in it, and I have no idea now what it is or how you do it (I doubt I ever did). I spent 4 years taking French and couldn’t read or write it now to save my life. Why did I spend so much time on those things? How did they benefit me? What if I had, instead, spent that time learning something that interested me? Would I remember that? Would this have affected my future? What if I hadn’t gotten into college without those classes, or what if I had chosen not to go? Did I do well in school because I learned the material successfully, or because I was good at figuring out what the teachers wanted me to do/write/say? Is getting an A or a perfect ACT score an accurate measurement of learning or educational success? Maybe the first step toward homeschooling is to spend some time reflecting on your experience of school and how it shaped (or didn’t shape) you. If you find that you’re unhappy with something from your own school experience, I would think long and hard about incorporating that into your homeschool.

July 28, 2020 0 comment

Parenting

Homeschooling during the Covid-19 pandemic

written by Emily Thams

Are you considering homeschooling during this pandemic but don’t know where to start? Read on!

The 2020-21 school year is already stressing me out.

I don’t know about you, but with all of the current restrictions and (I hate this word right now) uncertainty about what’s to come, I am reevaluating all kinds of things. Are you?

I have seen several hypothetical situations for the coming public school year. Full-time online school from home, splitting the classes in half and teaching each on opposite days or morning vs. evening, later start dates, earlier start dates, shorter or longer breaks, and even no school until 2021. And on top of that, the social distancing guidelines that might further impede effective learning will likely be in place. I often wonder how well any of this will help kids learn, or if this might just be the year that everyone backslides.

Have you been considering homeschooling during this pandemic?

I know many parents who have entertained the idea of homeschooling, but then decided that they couldn’t do it. I’m here to tell you that you absolutely can, even with no experience and even if you aren’t a stay at home mom. To learn why we started to homeschool, read our post about homeschooling high school.

We have 2 teenagers at home and have been homeschooling for 2 years. It is hard, but it’s also not as hard as you think. Let me tell you why.

You get to be with your kids a lot. This is an amazing gift, and a tremendous challenge. (Teenagers…. That’s all I need to say.) But being the main influence in your child’s life gives you the opportunity to shape their character more than anyone else, and to enjoy them as people. You get to see what they are interested in, spend time talking about all kinds of important things and unimportant things, and watch them have learning moments.
You are in charge of what they are learning. The options for curriculum are endless. They can enroll fully in an online school or you can teach every subject. You can give them choices or they can decide for themselves what they want to learn. Or you can count things they are already doing as classes. For example, my youngest daughter’s dance class is also her PE class for the year. It is really liberating for the whole family when the kids are able to enjoy what they are doing.
You can enroll your high schooler in college classes if they are ready for that. These count as their high school class as well! The downside is that you may have to pay for them, BUT it will be cheaper in most cases for them to take a class at your local community college now rather than at a university in a couple of years.
It takes way less time than public school. Way less. So much less. Which leaves time for sports, hobbies, and sleeping in.
They learn at their pace.TMaybe they are finished with Algebra by February. Maybe it takes all year for them to master a few concepts. Both are acceptable. Homeschooling is also a great choice for a child with a learning disability or attention deficit.
They can follow their interests. Have a child who loves to cook? Make it a class and put it on their transcript.
Your schedule becomes more flexible. If it’s a beautiful day and you want to go to the zoo instead of sit inside and work on school, you can. You can take a family vacation in the middle of the year and not miss school.

There are so many benefits to homeschooling and so many ways to make homeschooling work for you, with or without a pandemic.

And there is no one right way to do it. You are the expert in your kids, and you know how and what they need. Here are some helpful links to get you started. You can do this! Leave us your questions in the comments.

https://homeschooliowa.org/start-homeschooling/know-the-law-rules/

https://www.thehomeschoolmom.com/high-school-beyond/homeschooling-high-school/

https://www.weirdunsocializedhomeschoolers.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-homeschooling-high-school/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMbnCzutmnA

July 22, 2020 0 comment

Mom Life

Vocations and the Number One Reason Staying Home is Good for Moms

written by Allison Schoonover

What is the number one reason staying home is good for moms?

The short answer is that staying home is good for moms because it allows us to focus on our vocation (married life) and get really good at what God has called us to do (be the best wife and mother we can be), so we can grow in virtue and holiness and spend eternity with him (in heaven). That was kind of a long short answer, wasn’t it? If you want the even longer answer, keep reading.

First – did you cringe when I said that married life is our vocation?

Are you wondering…what about my career? My degree(s)? My life’s mission?

Isn’t married life a vocation only if you don’t have a job that pays actual money?

Well…no.

Let me explain.

What is a vocation?

Until long after I was married and started having children, I thought that “vocation” was just a fancy word for “job.” But not just a job; it was like the job you were always meant to have; the one that defined you as a person. I avoided thinking about my vocation, because I didn’t have a job that I was especially in love with or that I felt could give me an identity (or a cool identity that I wanted, anyway). I had heard of people “missing their vocation,” and I assumed that I was one of those. My real job/vocation was out there somewhere, and I had screwed it up by getting a degree that didn’t actually lead to a real job (English Literature) and by getting married and having kids too soon to be able to establish myself as anything important in the world.

I felt guilty about my lack of vocation. I thought that God had given me a mission, and that it was something in the workforce, and that I was disappointing him by not doing it. Since then, I’ve learned that my ideas about “vocation” were all wrong. I was right about not living up to my vocation, but in a very different way than what I had thought.

Ok, so really…what is a vocation?

I know I’m not the only one who has been misinformed about vocations, because I just looked up “vocation” in an online dictionary, and the three definitions listed there are all about jobs. Vocation is described as a career, trade, profession, or a strong feeling for a particular occupation. Only the section at the end of the online entry that gives the root of the word hints at the real definition. The word “vocation” comes from the Latin word “vocare,” which means “to call.” Aha.

A vocation is a calling, and it is much bigger and much more important than the job you have. Even if you’re a brain surgeon or a non-profit lawyer or the President of the United States. According to the Catholic Church, there are three vocations: single life, married life, and religious life. Three of them. Simple as that. God calls each of us to one of these vocations, and when we choose the right one, we are best able to become the person we were meant to be – the best possible version of ourselves. If you’re a working mom, you have a vocation AND a job, not a vocation that IS your job. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you have a vocation too, with the added bonus of being able to focus on it full-time (more on that later). If you’re a single person, you have a vocation too, and it’s STILL not your job. All three vocations are about loving people: they are the special way in which God designed you and me to love our fellow man. Some of us are called to love others through marriage (with or without children), some as single people, and some as religious (priests or nuns). Our highest calling is not about what we do to earn money, although earning money is good and necessary. Our highest calling is given to us by Jesus in Matthew 22: 37-40:

And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

How do I know which vocation I’m supposed to choose?

By the time I knew what a vocation really was, I had already chosen one without thinking for a single moment about what God might be calling me to do. It never occurred to me that God did that kind of thing. I really and truly thought that choosing a job (what I thought of as a vocation) was more important than choosing my actual vocation. So, if you’re reading this, and you haven’t made the decision to get married or be single or enter a religious order, STOP! Listen. Pray. Talk to smart people that you trust. Open yourself to the possibility that the life you always imagined you’d have is not the one God wants for you. This is not about you figuring out what you want. This is about you figuring out what God wants. Do not assume that you can do both at the same time. If you ask God to make your calling clear to you (and you’re patient), he will.

The vocation of married life

We spend a lot of time and words on this blog talking about why being a stay-at-home mom is good for kids, and even for husbands. But what is the number one reason why staying home is good for moms?

Simple: Because it’s your best, easiest, most direct path to heaven.

When you step back and look at the big picture, isn’t that the only thing that really matters? I don’t think any of us wants to be on the path to hell, or even on the difficult, winding, thorn-ridden path to heaven. I want to be on the smooth, straight, hard-to-get-sidetracked-or-lost-on, express path to God. The fewer distractions and temptations, the better.

When you have a job, you have to split your time and energy between your work life and home life; when you’re a stay-at-home mom, you can focus your time and energy on your vocation. Our vocation as wife and mother is the number one tool that God uses to help us get to know and love him, and to grow in virtue. It’s our path to holiness, which is the whole point of our life on earth. The more time we can devote to our vocation, the closer we can get to fulfilling our life’s true purpose. I think we make the mistake today of thinking that being a”good” mom or wife is easy, requiring little in the way of thought or effort. It’s something that we can be successful at in our downtime, once our real work is finished. After all, it doesn’t take any special education or skills to get married, or have kids. We save our emotional and intellectual energy for other relationships – our bosses, our co-workers, our friends – because we assume that running a household and cultivating a family will just happen naturally. If you agree with the idea that the more difficult and important a job is, the more it pays – which I think most of us do – you can’t help but look at staying home to raise a family as a poor excuse for a “calling.” Why spend all day doing something that most modern women can get done on evenings and weekends? Get a cleaning lady, throw in a frozen pizza, hire a babysitter, and as long as you get some “quality time” in on Saturday afternoon, you’ve got the wife/mom thing in the bag.

I believed all of that. For years. (And then, I got divorced.)

Since then, I have come to realize that you can’t make your marriage your lowest priority and expect it to succeed. You can’t use up all of your energy and brainpower and the best parts of yourself at work and expect to have an easy time of it at home. Managing a home, raising children who are decent human beings, and being the kind of person your husband wants to be around is not actually easy. It’s difficult, and it’s worthy of your full-time attention. It stretches and tests you in ways that you need to be stretched and tested. When I had a full-time job, many of what I would now consider my less-desirable habits and traits were tolerated and even applauded. It wasn’t until I started spending all day, every day, with my family that I learned how to truly be patient, gentle, meek, generous, and all of those other “feminine” qualities that are devalued or even disdained in the workplace. I have also, believe it or not, grown intellectually and spiritually in ways that I never could have while I was busy with my job. I have time to read. I have time to pray. I have time to have conversations about what’s important to me.

I want to encourage everyone reading this post to think about the idea of being called to a vocation by God. Is God calling you to something bigger than your career? What would happen if you gave your home life all of the time, energy, and thought that you would give to a full-time job?

April 30, 2020 0 comment

Mom Life

What is freedom? And will being a stay-at-home mom rob you of it?

written by Allison Schoonover

One of the big arguments our culture makes against motherhood, especially stay-at-home motherhood, is that it robs women of their freedom.

I’ve never thought that was true, but I couldn’t figure out how to argue against it. I mean, it does sound reasonable that if you’re staying at home raising kids, there are a lot of other things that you can’t do. Like working all day, or taking off for weeks at a time to climb mountains in Peru. And if you can’t do those things, you don’t have as much freedom as, say, a single woman does. Kids, and the responsibilities that come with them, hold you back from doing what you want and, therefore, from becoming your true, “free” self. Right?

Turns out, that’s not actually how it works.

I just finished the book Following Jesus Every Day, by Cristoph Cardinal Schoenborn, and his second chapter is titled, “True Freedom in Christ.” It’s a great chapter, and I’m not going to be able to do it justice here. He explains everything I never could about the difference between actual freedom and what we, here in 21st century America, think it is. While he isn’t writing specifically about stay-at-home moms, his book helped me understand how stay-at-home motherhood actually fits perfectly into the true definition of freedom.

Here are some of Schoenborn’s main points, along with how I think what he says applies to motherhood.

Freedom is a gift from God. Since freedom is a gift, and we are the recipients of that gift, we are all dependent on God for our freedom. Our culture, on the other hand, tells us that to be truly free is to be totally independent. Women can’t depend on men for financial support, for example, or to help them raise children, or they aren’t truly free. What we fail to realize is that we are all dependent by our very nature. As Schoenborn says, “We are all creatures, and God has given us everything: our existence, our life, and our freedom.” So, being free and being independent are not actually the same thing.
Even if you don’t acknowledge God as creator, there is one person that you are inescapably bound to – yourself. You are bound to your nature, your personality, your physical body. You are not free to turn into someone or something else. We have control over some aspects of our nature, like how well we can play the piano, or how truthful we are, but some things can’t be changed (at least, not without some very damaging consequences). Our culture has tried to deny this as well, telling us that women can become men, if they want to. Or we can be free from our femininity in another way, by controlling our fertility. Contraception and assisted reproductive technology give us the “freedom” to have children on our own terms. We can have sex without men, sex without marriage, marriage without children, children without marriage, and children without sex. We want the freedom to be women and mothers when it suits us, regardless of what God, our husband, or our body tell us. But what are the consequences? Among Christians that I know, issues of sexuality – homosexuality, transgenderism, contraception, abortion, and reproductive technology – are probably the most hotly debated. Many disdain the Catholic Church’s stance on these issues as outdated, repressive, and oppressive. I think that we have trouble believing that God and the Church truly want the best of us – for us to be as free and as happy as we possibly can be. As Schoenborn says, “This brings us to the difficulty that lies deepest in our hearts when we think about freedom, namely, the suspicion that I will renounce my freedom if I obey God, the suspicion that God does not really want me to be free. This suspicion is one of the fruits of the fall. But the experience of the saints says something different: we become free when we trust God and his will and allow ourselves to be led completely by him.” I think that as women, we have to have to be aware that our culture wants to strip us of our feminity and our motherhood under the guise of “freeing us,” but that this is a lie. These are not burdens or obstacles – they are the very means he is using to make us truly free.
According to Shoenborn, “The more we bind ourselves, the freer we are.” He gives the example of St. Theresa of Calcutta, who made herself “totally available to serve God and the poor.” Her whole existence was in service to others. It would seem to most of us that she had no freedom at all, right? But “innumerable people who met Mother Theresa saw her as a wonderfully free person.” How can someone be so bound by obligations, yet seem so free? Shoenborn says it’s because the more we give ourselves to God and to his will, the greater our freedom will be. Mother Theresa was free because she gave herself totally to God, who asked her to serve the poor. Our modern society views children as a burden that mothers should rightfully seek to get rid of – before they’re born, through contraception and abortion, and after they’re born, by finding others to care for them (daycare, school, grandparents), or by simply ignoring them. The idea that a woman would want to be bound to such creatures is ridiculed and dismissed as pathetically old-fashioned. But just as God called Mother Theresa to serve the poor, he calls all wives and mothers to serve their families. And not just to serve them with their leftover time and energy, but to serve them in the same total and selfless way that Mother Theresa served the poor. And, in doing so, we will become free.
“There is no true freedom except in service of what is good and just.” In other words, we are free to choose good or evil, but we are only really free when we choose good. To choose evil is to enter into what Schoenborn, the Bible, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church refer to as “the slavery of sin.” Schoenborn gives an example that I think is relevant to mothers: that of an adulterer. I can freely choose to abandon my family and run off with another man (and many feminists would applaud me for doing so). But how free would I be I after I made that choice? I wouldn’t be free to spend all day with my kids or live in the same house with them. I wouldn’t be free from the guilt of knowing that I hurt them, and my husband, and our extended families. By choosing evil, we limit our freedom. Always. As Schoenborn says, “freedom of choice is not yet definitive freedom. As long as it is still possible for me to fall away by choosing what is evil, I am not yet safely established in what is good. As long as I have not yet definitively ‘lowered my anchor’ in God, my freedom is not yet perfect.” Now, I’m not trying to compare being an adulterer to being a working mom, and I don’t think that choosing to be a working mom is evil. Sometimes, it’s just plain necessary. But I do think that if you can choose to be a stay-at-home mom, then that choice is going to lead you closer to true freedom (and to God) than choosing to work.

The last point that Schoenborn makes in this chapter is that unless we go where Christ is leading us, we aren’t really free. He sums it all up by saying, “This is why we believe that we can truly set out on the path of freedom only when Christ takes us by the hand. Christ has called us to freedom, and he has set us free.” My desire for everyone reading this post is that, when our kids are grown, we can look back at their childhood and confidently say that we were going where Christ led us.

April 17, 2020 0 comment

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