Beauty – the Skin-Deep Kind

Allison on Beauty on YouTube

I love YouTube. If I didn’t have so many other things to do, I would watch A LOT of YouTube. We don’t have cable or network TV, and I haven’t watched Netflix in months (why are British reality shows so bad, and why does Netflix keep recommending them to me?). Instead, when the kids are in bed and John and I have 30 minutes or so before we admit that we’re exhausted and go to bed ourselves, we turn on YouTube. I watch people homeschooling. I watch them cleaning. I watch them raising chickens and goats. I watch them building desks, making soap, and serving vegan food to their spinach-loving children. I listen to them philosophize about everything from religion to kitchen organization. Several of the channels I watch are Mormon moms, and I love seeing their food storage room tours, even though I don’t even have enough canned goods on hand to fill a shelf in our pantry. YouTube has inspired me to de-clutter my house, make my own deodorant (it works! it really does! that, or everyone I know is too polite to tell me I smell bad!), get rid of 15 extra pairs of pants that I never wear, improve my diet, be more patient with my kids, and investigate the Dollar Tree. And it’s taught my 2-year-old all of his numbers and colors, as well as all of the parts of a monster truck (the bumpers are his favorite).

One observation I’ve made, after so many hours on so many channels, is that physical beauty and beauty routines fascinate people – myself included. There are videos galore on “morning routines”, where we watch women put on their makeup and do their hair. There are tours of vanities and makeup desks and even entire “beauty rooms”, where women store all of their beauty products (hundreds, if not thousands of dollars worth). Moms who, like me, are rarely in places or situations that demand looking “made up” talk about how they do their makeup mainly for themselves, so that they feel pretty and energized and ready for whatever the day might bring. I go back and forth between thinking, “these women are crazy and need to focus on something else,” and “I really should try harder to look nice. My beauty routine is pathetic.”

So Many Questions…

Is there anything wrong with having an elaborate beauty routine, a beauty room, or hundreds of beauty products? Is it weird to watch it on YouTube? Is collecting and wearing lots of makeup a hobby, as many of these women claim? Is it an indulgence that a person who spends most of her day chasing after children and keeping a house in order deserves to have, if it makes her happy? Is it okay that so many of us feel so much better about ourselves and our lives with hair and makeup done? Is this all a waste of time, money, and effort that would be better directed elsewhere? Am I feeling superior to these women or am I aching for them, because they seem to need so much “beautification” and I get by on less? Am I envious?Curious? Concerned? Or am I really just watching these videos so I can say, “Ha! At least I’m not as insecure or high-maintenance as that woman.” Something about these videos and my interest in them bothers me.

They’re Just Like Me, Only They’re Not

In my own opinion (and that of pretty much everyone else except my husband), I am average-looking. So are most of these women I watch. So it’s not that I think I need any more or less enhancement than anyone else. I have obsessed over and tried to improve (or hide) almost every single one of my facial features and body parts. My least favorite ones, just so you know, are my hair (thin and straggly) and my legs (7 children worth of varicose veins). Oh, and my nose. Too big and pointy. Maybe this is harder to narrow down than I thought. Anyway, I can relate to feeling the need to make oneself look prettier. I must look better with a little mascara on, because when I go without it, everyone who sees me tells me I look tired. And I am definitely in a better mood when my pants fit and my hair does what I want it to. But the older I get, the more I realize that I’m going to look like Allison no matter what I do, so I don’t do a whole lot.

And, I try to keep my beauty routine simple and my wardrobe small because I think it’s a trap. The more I focus on my physical appearance, the more flaws I find. The more flaws I find, the more I have to do and buy to fix them. The more time I spend on the buying and the fixing, the more it becomes part of who I am and how much I need to feel okay. A makeup bag turns into a makeup desk turns into a makeup room. Two pairs of pants turns into 15 turns into 50. 10 minutes to get ready and feel pretty turns into 60. The perfect “look” recedes further and further into the distance the more I chase it. Maybe I watch because I want one of these women to come to this same conclusion. It would be really cool to watch a video of someone making a bonfire of all their makeup and chopping up their makeup desk. Wouldn’t it?

Is it Just Me?

Is that just me? If I had hundreds of dollars and hours and square footage invested in my appearance (not to mention clothes!), I would probably think about my appearance a lot more. And I’m a lot happier about how I look when I don’t think about it very much. I’m guessing that most of you are the same way. What do you think? Are you satisfied with your beauty routine? How much is enough? How much is too much? What are these YouTubers trying to say, if anything?

April 22, 2018 0 comment

Homeschool Raising Kids

What About Socialization??

written by Allison Schoonover

But What About Socialization?

The most common concern I hear about homeschooling is, “but what are you going to do about SOCIALIZATION?” It’s a notorious and difficult-to-answer question that homeschooling families hear ALL THE TIME from people who, for the most part, mean well and are genuinely concerned. What I think most people mean when they ask it is, “How are your kids going to turn into ‘normal’ adults if you’re not sending them to school like ‘normal’ kids? How will they learn to make friends? How will they learn to deal with bullies? How will they learn to take tests, and sit at desks quietly, do things they don’t want to do, and think the way ‘normal’ people think? Won’t they feel like outsiders? Won’t they be lonely? Won’t they think and act in strange ways that we don’t really approve of?”

Most of us have our modern educational system so ingrained in our conception of childhood that we really struggle to imagine growing up outside of it. School prepares you for the Real World. School teaches you how to Get Along and Obey Instructions and Sit for Long Periods of Time. School teaches you things like English Grammar and Trigonometry and other subjects that seem boring and irrelevant but must, somehow, be absolutely necessary. School is the shared experience of childhood that bonds us together and gives us something to reminisce over and talk about as adults. It’s the foundation for College, for pete’s sake. Boys who don’t go to school won’t be tough enough for life away from their parents and will grow ponytails and play video games all day in the basement and pick their noses in front of girls. Girls who don’t go to school won’t have any friends or learn how to make themselves look pretty or be able to hack it in the competitive corporate world because all they want to do is get married and stay home and have babies.

To many parents (like me, when I was younger), a “normal childhood,” is the best childhood – better, even, than one they would design themselves based on what makes them and their children happy (or good people). When my older kids were younger, I felt most successful as a mom when my life, and theirs, looked just like everyone else’s. It was okay if we were unhappy, as long as we were about as unhappy as everyone I was comparing myself to. Most of the adults I know (myself included) didn’t like school, and most people will readily admit that. And most people don’t remember much of what was taught there; instead, their memories are of being teased and abused by students and teachers alike. But despite these facts, or maybe because of them, we tend to think school is a necessary preparation for life, which is often (like school) difficult, boring, discouraging, and painful. Do kids really need that kind of preparation?

Our culture thinks that it promotes independent thinking, creativity, and problem solving, primarily through mass education in the public school system. Does it? Is that what you learned in school? I’ve always accepted this as true, even though it isn’t true of my own personal experience. Why have I spent so long believing something that I know isn’t true – or at least, isn’t always true? The older I get, the more I’m confronted with issues like this, where I’ve accepted an obvious lie as truth just because “everyone” believes it.

For the most part, our culture also thinks that denying children the experience of school will stunt their growth and turn them into misfit, unproductive adults. Really?? One thing I’ve learned from my homeschooling journey that most of us don’t think very deeply about our opinions. We pick them up from school, news stories, social media, and people we know, and we figure, who am I to question any of this? If they believe it, I believe it too. This should give you confidence when talking to people about homeschooling issues, including socialization. You can be almost 100% sure that you have thought more about the issue than the other person, and you certainly know your children and what they need better than the other person. Make it your goal to plant a tiny seed in their minds – not to argue or bully them into your way of thinking. Don’t be intimidated, and don’t assume that people are personally attacking you. They are probably just genuinely surprised to come across someone who is doing something different. Try to respond with patience and avoid becoming angry/defensive/condescending/sarcastic (I’ve already done all of those and can tell you, they are not effective).

If I were asked, today, what I am doing about socializing my kids, here are some things I might say:

What exactly do you mean by socializing? I’ve found that different people are worried about different things – some are worried that my kids won’t or don’t have friends, or that they don’t know how to act around other people, or that they’ll be weird and unlikable. Some people worry that if my kids don’t go to school, they won’t learn how to work well with others as an employee. I don’t worry about any of those things. My kids have friends, they know how to treat others, and are on track to becoming great human beings.
Can I ask you a question? How are you socializing your kids?
Whose job is it to socialize our children? I think it is primarily the responsibility of parents, not schools. I like being in charge of their socialization, because I can choose role models and situations that I think will lead to proper socialization. I’m not leaving it up to someone else who may or may not share my values.
I am teaching them how to be other-focused, rather than self-focused. I am teaching them the Golden Rule. I am teaching them about the life of Jesus and what he had to say about how to treat other people. I am providing them with opportunities to interact with kids and adults of all ages, in many different settings throughout the community. I take them to church, to the library, to the store, to the bank, to the post office, to my friends’ houses, and to their friends’ houses. We go to the park, the Rec Center, and a weekly homeschool co-op, as well as two different monthly homeschool groups. I think that limiting kids to a classroom full of their peers all day long, 5 days a week, severely limits their opportunities for real socialization.
I don’t think kids learn appropriate social skills by spending their day at school surrounded by peers. I think they learn these skills by seeing them modeled by their parents and other people of all different ages in real social situations, like at a dinner party or baseball game or while playing at the park.
I don’t worry about socialization.
If you mean, how will they become normal, I guess I’m not interested in them becoming normal.
I actually think that socialization at school is harmful. I remember the lessons I learned about how to interact with other people at school; all of them are very negative, and they don’t apply to real life as an adult. I learned that if you’re very quiet and try not to draw any attention to yourself, the mean kids will usually leave you alone. If they don’t, you just have to let them say or do what they’re going to do and try not to cry or talk back to them. I learned that the best ways to move up the social ladder are to make fun of the people who are lower on it than you are and to do whatever the people above you tell you to do. I learned that if you are an athlete, people will admire and like you; if you’re not, they generally won’t. I learned that friendships are about what other people give and do for you, not about what you give or do for them. I learned that teachers and adults in general don’t like kids and aren’t interested in them as individual people. I want to spare my kids from that kind of socialization.
The best thing I ever did for the socialization of my children is to stop sending them to school. (Ouch.)
I’m glad you asked! Maybe we can both share some strategies that are working for our families. I’ve done a lot of research on socialization, and I’m always looking for new information.

Above all, be kind, and as I tell my children daily, give people the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they are being curious, not antagonistic. Your body language and tone of voice will speak louder than what you actually say.

If you have any thoughts on socialization or any other homeschooling issue, talk to us in the comments!

April 5, 2018 0 comment

Homeschool Raising Kids

Homeschooling High School

written by Emily Thams

We are no stranger to radical ideas. I mean, our blog is called Radical Motherhood. We challenge the conventional wisdom about motherhood. We do life differently than most families and we are proud of it.

Our first radical idea was that being a SAHM is the ultimate calling for women and that no matter the age of our children, we should be home supporting and nurturing them.

We believe in the importance of keeping a home and trusting completely in our husbands.

We challenge the notion that two incomes are a necessity and our only choice.

Today, I am going to tell you about how we are radically changing our children’s lives.

If you are a regular reader, you know that I (Emily) have three teenage daughters. They are currently in 11th, 8th, and 7th grades. They started school at a small Lutheran school until fifth grade and transitioned to public school for middle school. We discussed homeschooling once when they were young, however, my husband was reluctant because he was worried about socialization (like many people are). We really didn’t consider it an option.

Our kids left the private school because their class size was dwindling, and the appeal of the programs at the public school was strong. We thought that more kids meant more friends, and that more friends meant a better experience and happier kids. The transition from a fairly strict, small private school to a large public school was eye-opening though. Our innocent girls gradually learned and believed the ways of the world.

Every parent knows that each of their children is unique and that sometimes they are so different from each other that you wonder how they are all yours. One home produces three totally different girls. That’s how it is at school, too. One place influences them in very different ways- not all good ways either.

Most public school families don’t ever consider homeschooling as an option because their kids are so involved in activities and the school system. They don’t know where to start and maybe don’t even feel like it is an option. Even homeschool families often find the teenage years more challenging than elementary or middle school and send their kids to school for high school. Parents are intimidated by teaching more complex subjects and often kids are more interested in having peer relationships and doing typical high school activities.

Our radical idea? We are going to homeschool high school.

Not all three girls, because they are all so different and it’s not the best choice for all of them. But the ones who want to; probably our youngest two.

Homeschooling high school will give our girls the time and freedom to study subjects they are interested in. It will allow them to get ahead or work at a slower pace. They can escape the anxiety of the standardized test culture. We can learn anywhere, anytime. We can teach from a Christian perspective. Their main influence will be their parents, not their peers.

I have thought that maybe the years for me to influence them in any way are over. I once read that kids personalities and value systems are developed by the time they are 10 years old. But I don’t think that’s true. I hope and pray that we will continue to be an influence in their lives for many years to come. We are going to try anyway, and homeschooling is how we plan to do it.

I will be honest, I’m a little nervous about making sure they are ready for college. Meeting state graduation requirements and college admission expectations and finding out their interests will be a challenge. There are a lot of things to think about, but we are trusting our guts and God to guide us.

(Homeschooling is not new to Allison! Read about her story here. I am a little slower when it comes to figuring this stuff out.)

Have you ever considered homeschooling your high schooler? Do you have any advice to share? Let us know in the comments!

March 23, 2018 2 comments

Being a Wife Feeding your Family Finding Joy

How to Organize Your Recipes and Create a Recipe Binder

written by Allison Schoonover

The other week, I wrote a post about family recipes and how I was going through my pile of them in an attempt to get organized. You can read all about that, and the deep thoughts I had along the way, here. But then I never actually told you how I got organized, so I’m going to do that today. There’s no better feeling than turning something that was a disorganized, hard-to-use mess into something neat and tidy and, best of all, useful. If you’re like me and have a bunch of old recipes tucked away everywhere that never see the light of day, follow along and get them organized today!

It only took me about an hour to totally revamp my recipe filing system (or non-system) and create my handy dandy new Recipe Binder. I tried to make it as simple as possible so that I would actually get it done in one sitting. I have a tendency to want every project to be PERFECT, so I start it, get overwhelmed, and give up halfway through. This project is not like that, I promise.

What You Need

You may decide that some of these supplies are unnecessary for your binder, but this is a list of what I used. Feel free (encouraged, even) to simplify this project even further and try to make do with supplies you already have on hand.

A binder. Preferably 3 inches or bigger (based on how many recipes you end up keeping).
Some blank paper, OR our printables (more on these below), OR your own printables. These are for making the cover and the section dividers.
Sheet protectors. Ideally, one protector per every two recipes (one recipe facing the front of the protector; one facing the back). OR…
If you don’t have or don’t like sheet protectors, you can use a 3-hole punch to make your recipes binder-friendly.
Tab dividers. These tend to get lost in the binder if you use sheet protectors, because they don’t stick out far enough. If that bothers you, you can buy or make ones that stick onto the sheet protector itself.

Step One: Find Your Recipes

Go to all the places you keep recipes (even on your computer) and gather your recipes. You may need to print some off or rewrite some that are really stained. If doing that sounds like too much of a pain, skip it and just use the recipes you find that are already in hard copy. I have plenty of stained ones in my binder, and I like to think that it adds character (and proof that I do actually bake once in a while). Pile up all the recipes on your kitchen table.

(That’s my Texas caviar recipe. Complete with spelling errors and olive oil spills.)

Step Two: Sort and Discard

Now, you’re going to make two decisions on each recipe:

Do I want to keep this?
What category does this belong in?

Don’t think for more than 10 seconds about either question. When in doubt, just save it. You can always get rid of it later For categories, feel free to make up your own, or use mine:

Cleaners
Appetizers
Veg & Sides
Main Dishes
Cookies & Treats
Breads
Meal Plans
Other

(That’s Isaac – now 17!! – telling me he likes chocolate chips, cookies, and peanut butter. Obviously, this recipe made the cut.)

Get the Printables

I have links to the black and white version of each of the printables I used for my binder below, as well as within each step as you need them. If you want the pretty colorful version of the recipe binder printables, all you have to do is subscribe to our newsletter. You’ll get immediate access to our subscriber freebie page, where you can also download our monthly budget worksheet, living on one income workbook, family mission statement workbook, and planner pages. If not, that’s okay! Just grab some paper and a pen!

Recipe Index

Recipe Binder Cover

Recipe Binder TOC

Recipe Binder TOC Blank

Step Three: Create Your Recipe Indexes

For each category, you will now create an index or table of contents. DO NOT feel like your recipes need to be in any particular order within the category. If the idea of arranging them in a certain order appeals to you, go for it. I just left mine in the order they ended up in after doing my sorting and discarding. Keep in mind that if you arrange your recipes in a certain order within each category, you’ll either have to rewrite your index each time you add a recipe, or the order you’ve imposed will not apply to any new recipes that you add (because they’ll just get added to the end of the category).

You can use our Recipe Index for this, or you can create your own, or you can just take out a blank sheet of paper and start writing. List the name of each recipe, in order, leaving some room for additions at the end. As you add recipes to your binder, you’ll just add them to the end of the section for their category and write the name of the recipe at the end of your list.

(My “Main Dish”) index. It’s about half as long as my “Cookies and Treats” section…)

Step Four: Assemble Your Binder

By now, you should have several piles of recipes with an index/table of contents for each pile. Now comes the fun part: putting it all together.

At this point, if you haven’t put them in sheet protectors or hole punched them, you should do that.
Next, start putting your recipes into the binder, adding your recipe index (and tab divider, if you’re using them) at the beginning of each section. Put them in an order that makes sense to you, or use my order (above, in Step Two).
I added some empty sheet protectors at the end of each section, so I can quickly and easily add new recipes.
Then, stick your table of contents at the beginning of the whole thing.
1. Recipe Binder TOC
2. Recipe Binder TOC Blank
Slide your Recipe Binder Cover into the front of your binder, or if your binder doesn’t have a pocket on the front for a cover, just write on it with permanent marker, or use a label-maker, or stickers/sticker paper, or – in a pinch – I’ve even used a piece of duct tape or masking tape and written on that.

I tried to make a label for the spine of my binder, but the pocket on the spine is so tight that I can’t get the label into it. I’m assuming that if I used heavier paper (like cardstock), it would work, but I haven’t gotten around to that yet.

(I saved this one because Em wrote it, and because of my amusing attempt to increase the recipe from 2 lbs. to 3 lbs. See, kids? Grown-ups use fractions. Or, they would, if they could remember how.)

Step Five: Use Your Binder

I truly have found it much easier to use my recipes since I organized them. I keep the binder with my other cookbooks in my kitchen, and now that I can actually find what I’m looking for, I pull it out quite a bit. This was a project that I had been thinking about and putting off forever – for years! When I finally got it done, I actually felt better – physically and emotionally – about being in my kitchen. Heck, about the whole house, and about my competence as a household manager. Now, I’m treating these cherished recipes with respect and care, and I can stop feeling guilty and embarrassed about them. Disorganization and clutter in your physical space doesn’t just make you physically uncomfortable, it can wear you down emotionally too. Tackling just one little bit of it can make a big difference, and it can give you the motivation to move on to other, seemingly more important projects. As a stay-at-home mom, you need to make your home a place that you actually enjoy, so little projects like this can become a big deal.

The next time you pull out a favorite family recipe, call the kids into the kitchen and tell them a little bit about where the recipe came from and why you enjoy it. Share some memories of eating it as a child, or of eating it with them when they were younger (kids LOVE stories about when they were younger). Be excited about sharing your cooking with them, and they’re more likely to be excited about eating it.

Step Six: Craftify Your Binder

If you want to take this project to the next level (which, frankly, I might never do, but as a crafty person can definitely appreciate), here are some ideas:

Retype/print your recipes using pretty fonts, borders, and illustrations
Hand-write your cover and index pages using fancy hand-lettering
Have your kids help you decorate the binder cover & pages
As you make the recipes, add comments/quotes from your family about the recipe (“John’s favorite winter comfort food”)
Take a picture of your family making/eating the recipe and attach it to the page

Do you have a system for organizing your recipes? Did you try this one? Let us know what works for you in the comments below!

March 21, 2018 0 comment

Being a Divorced Mom Raising Kids

Being the Non-Custodial Parent and Other Divorce Issues

written by Allison Schoonover

Being the Non-Custodial Parent

If you’re not familiar with the language of divorce (which I hope you aren’t), “non-custodial” means that your child lives with the other parent most of the time. The other parent’s home is “home” – your house is a place to visit. I’ve read and been told that most courts today promote 50/50 shared custody, where a child’s time is split evenly between both parents. When I got divorced, it was more common for one parent get “primary” physical custody and the other to have “visitation.” I am not going to make any sweeping statements about what kind of custody arrangement I think works best, because none of them are good. The only one that really works – as in, doesn’t make your kids miserable – is not getting divorced in the first place (if you want to read a fascinating book about the effects of divorce on kids, try this one: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study). Living apart from your child’s other parent is extremely hard on them, no matter how evenly the time is divided, how flexible you are, or how amicable your relationship is with your ex. However, many of us are already divorced and our kids are already living with the reality of having two homes (or two non-homes), and it’s for these families that I’m writing this post. I have another post on divorce and why it doesn’t work here: Ten Truths You Need to Realize Before Seeking a Divorce.

Ten Truths You Need to Realize Before Seeking a Divorce

My Story

My seventeen-year-old moved in with his dad when he was 14. He had just finished eighth grade – half in homeschool, which he hated, and half at a private Catholic school, which he hated only slightly less – and he had been asking to move to his dad’s house for more than a year. Desperate to find something that would make him (and the rest of us) happier, I finally decided he should move. Since then, he only spends every other weekend at my house, which is a mixed blessing for all of us. It was a good decision for him, and I see now that it was foolish to have spent so many years agonizing over the possibility of it happening. However, I am not his mom anymore in the same physical, day-to-day sense that I used to be. I don’t buy his clothes. I don’t cook for him except maybe twice a month. I don’t know what kind of a day he’s had, most days, or what kind of mood he’s in, most of the time. I get a glimpse of his world on our weekends and through SnapChat, but our worlds are mostly separate. He is a visitor here – a loved, cherished, welcomed visitor – but a visitor, nonetheless. And even though it’s hard, I think it’s the best option for him out of all of the flawed, second-best options we have.

What Kind of Mom Am I???

Some of you probably find it offensive to refer to my son’s move as a “mixed blessing.” How could a mom be okay with her child moving out and becoming, basically, a visitor in her home? I’ve had people tell me, “I could never be okay with that. I love my kids too much. I would be worried about them and miss them, and I wouldn’t trust anyone else – especially my ex – to raise them.” I can understand that. And if you don’t get divorced, you’ll never have to make a choice like this. But if you do get divorced, except in extreme circumstances, you will have to “share” custody. And, as kids become tweens and teens, you have to give them more and more control over where they spend their time (even the courts will give more weight to where kids want to live as they get older). It’s not about what’s “okay” for you. It’s not about how much YOU worry, or what YOU want. It’s about your kids, and their other parent, and what you can all work out for the best interests of the kids. One of the biggest lies our culture tells us (about divorce and other, smaller decisions) is that if we’re happy, our kids will be happy. Not true. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our happiness for the happiness of our kids. And that sacrifice can actually lead to a better, deeper kind of happiness. Of course I wish I could be a bigger part of my son’s day-to-day life, but I am still a big part of his life. I’m always here when he needs me, and he knows that.

What We Can Do to Make Our Kids’ Lives Easier

When I first got divorced, my kids were 6, 3, and newborn. I was extremely possessive of them and counted every minute of time they spent with their dad. I followed our custody agreement to the letter and lived in fear that if they spent too much time with their dad, they wouldn’t want to live with me anymore. The more time I had with them, so I thought, the more they would love and become attached to me. Eleven years later, I can tell you without question, this is not true. My relationship with my oldest child has gotten much, much better since he moved. And my kids have always loved their dad and loved spending time with him, regardless of how much time that actually ended up being. After all these years of sharing custody, as both a custodial and non-custodial parent, this is what I’ve learned:

Your kids do not have a limited amount of love to split between you, your ex, and the other people in their life. There is enough to go around, and infinitely more. Loving their dad does not take away any love from you.
The love your kids have for you has very little to do with the amount of time they spend with you. Of course, the more time you spend with your kids, the more opportunity you have to grow and deepen your relationship with them. But your kids will not automatically love you “more” because they spend more time with you. And they will not love you less because they spend less time with you. There are many other, more important factors that contribute to the quality of your relationship (like how you treat them when they’re around, for one obvious example).
Splitting their time between two households is hard on kids, no matter how easy you try to make it. They have two sets of rules and expectations to try to follow. Two sets of everything from clothes, to toys, to friends. They miss out on important events in both households and sometimes feel like they don’t belong in either home. In some ways, they have two homes, but in some ways, they don’t really have a home anywhere. Don’t try to minimize or wish away how difficult this is for them, especially as they make the transition from one home to the other. Expect weird behavior on the days that they switch homes, and try to go easy on them those days. For a long time, when my kids came home on Sunday evenings, we ate ice cream sundaes before bed and called it “Sundae Sunday.” We relax all of our rules about watching TV and playing video games on those days and try to avoid planning or structuring anything. We just let them relax and settle back in to their lives here. Avoid the temptation to grill them about what they did while they were gone or what’s going on in the other household. I usually find that my motive for asking those questions is partly about my kids but mostly about other things (wanting to get the “scoop” on their dad and his wife, comparing our household to theirs, etc.).
Things like discipline and rules and grades and control in general are really hard to let go of, but when your child spends most of his time living with someone else, you have to loosen up on those things. Of course, you will still care about how he’s doing in school. Of course, you will still care that he’s being treated well by his other parent(s). But you have no control over his bedtime, or curfew, or chores, or diet, or expectations at his other house, and trying to assert control over what happens there is only going to create tension and frustration for everyone involved. Your primary parenting strategy as the non-custodial parent is to be a good role model and let your example and your lifestyle speak for themselves. When your child is at your house, he should follow the house rules, and it is perfectly reasonable to ask him to pick up after himself and help out with things that need to get done. But trying to supplement or undermine whatever rules or disciplinary action is happening at his other home is not going to do anything other than make your child reluctant to visit you. I don’t make a big deal out of homework here either. In my experience, if the child is old enough to have homework, he (and possibly his custodial parent, to a limited degree) should handle that on his own, and I don’t worry about making sure he gets it done while he’s with me.
Never forget that you (and your ex) created this situation and forced it upon your kids. They have a right to dislike it and to express their anger and frustration about it. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay and that everyone is happy with the way things are. It’s okay to acknowledge your mistakes and regrets about the divorce (although they don’t need to know most of the details). It’s okay to tell your kids that you’re sorry. I’m not suggesting that you feel guilty and agonize over the divorce forever, but it’s important to acknowledge to your kids (and yourself) that you have created a very difficult situation for them.
If you have a mix of kids in the house (some living there full-time, some not), it can be tricky to find a balance between making a child’s visits with you a special time, and making sure the other kids don’t feel neglected or resentful. We find that it helps to remind the kids at our house for a few days in advance that their brother will be here over the weekend. They get excited about seeing him and have a chance to think about and prepare (emotionally, mentally, sometimes even with little notes or gifts) for him to be here. When possible, we try to plan at least one fun thing for all of us to do together (even if that’s just watching a movie as a family) and at least one fun thing for my son to do with me, without the rest of the kids (often that involves shopping for groceries and making a meal together, because he likes to cook). The visit goes best when we think of it as a special, fun time for all of the kids but keep it relatively simple and give them plenty of time to just relax and do their own thing.
Once they’re old enough, kids have a right to gain some control over where they go and when. If one of your kids wants to move in with your ex, unless there’s a serious reason not to (abuse, drug use, etc.), you should help make it happen. Again, the amount of time your child spends with you does NOT determine how much the child loves you. If you try to limit their time with the other parent when they’re asking for more, you may end up with more time with them, but it’s not going to be a good time. If you’re worried about the other parent being more strict or too lenient, having unhealthy or overly restrictive food choices, too many toys or not enough, you have to let that go. Remember how hard it was to change your ex when you were married? How much harder do you think it will be now that you’re not? I am always reminding myself that the only person I have control over is me – not my kids, not their dad. You have to focus on what YOU can do to improve the situation, not what you wish everyone else was doing.

Above all, don’t let yourself believe that you can’t be a good parent just because you don’t live with your child every day of the year. Be the kind of person they can respect, and treat them with respect, and you’ll have a profound influence on their lives, regardless of the number of hours you spend together.

March 3, 2018 2 comments

Being a Wife Finances How to be a stay-at-home mom

Meal Planning and Online Grocery Shopping: How I Slashed My Grocery Budget

written by Allison Schoonover

Think there’s nothing left in your budget to cut? Think again…

The two biggest obstacles to becoming a stay-at-home mom (in my experience) are:

1. Not understanding the value of your role as mother and household manager
2. Money – fear of not having enough, fear of having to make sacrifices, lack of money-management skills and experience

These are the two main reasons I worked full time – for MANY years – without even considering staying home. I assumed (without really putting a whole lot of thought into it) that we needed two incomes to survive, which just isn’t true for most families. In this post, I’m going to share with you the two-step money management strategy that has had a huge impact on our monthly budget, at a point when I though we were all out of ways to save money and cut expenses. I am regularly saving $500 every month, and I’m actually using less time and less energy than I was before. I’m not talking about selling your car or your house, or cutting out all of the activities and luxuries your family enjoys.

In fact, I’m not talking about making any sacrifices at all. I’m here today to talk to you about…

groceries.

Making two simple (And time-saving! And sanity-saving!) changes to the way I buy groceries has changed my life, and it can change yours too. Changing the way you deal with something as mundane as groceries could be what allows you the financial freedom to stay home. Spoiler alert: THIS IS NOT ABOUT CLIPPING COUPONS. I hate coupons. I am too lazy for coupons, and I never see any coupons for the stuff I actually buy. I like watching coupon shows on TV, but that’s where my interest in coupons ends.

Can you really save big bucks on groceries without coupons?

One reason why I’m writing about groceries and not some other area of our finances is that, for us – and for many families who have been on the path toward more frugal living for any amount of time, the grocery budget is really the only oneleft with any wiggle room. At this stage of our lives (read: many children, few resources), we do not have a vacation budget. Or an entertainment budget. Our clothing budget is next to nothing. We rent, so we don’t need much of a home repair budget. With very small kids at home and a modest income, we have very little money (or desire, frankly) to do things like go out to eat, shop at the mall, or buy expensive…anything. Other than groceries, our discretionary spending is usually less than $100 a month. It was out of sheer desperation to get our expenses lower than our income that I initially resorted to curbing our grocery spending, because it was literally the only category I had left to cut anything out of. However, you do not need to be in our situation to make the changes I’m about to suggest. This grocery strategy will work for anyone, and even if you have an unlimited amount of money to spend, you’ll STILL, for the sake of your own sanity, energy, and well-being, want to implement these changes.

Picture this:

(it’ll probably be easy, because – like me – you’ve probably been through it hundreds of times)

It’s 5:00. You’re done with work (or housework), the kids are done with school, and your husband is due to arrive home from work any minute. You haven’t had any time to think about dinner, and you’re scouring the kitchen for something that you can throw together into a quick meal. The baby is hungry, the toddler is cranky, and the older kids are begging for snacks. You find spaghetti noodles, but no sauce. Hamburger, but no buns or taco shells. One frozen pizza, which is not enough for the whole family. Even cereal is out, because there’s not enough milk. You’re frustrated because you feel like you should have planned better, even though you can’t imagine how you could have possibly found time to do any actual planning. You hate the idea of going to the grocery store, because it delays dinner that much further, it’s always crowded at this time of day, and the idea of actually doing the shopping seems exhausting and overwhelming.

What do you do? I’ll tell you what I would do, and have done, too many times to count: either send my husband to the store for more frozen pizzas the minute he walks in the door (not his favorite thing to do after a long day of work), or to the drive-through for fast food (which all of my kids claim to love, but almost never eat once we get it). Even though it’s not in the budget, it’s not healthy, and it’s not going to do anything to solve the problem of what to eat tomorrow or the rest of the week, it’s the only solution that doesn’t seem completely overwhelming. Sound familiar? I hope not, but I suspect that, on any given day, I’m probably not alone in this last-minute dinner dilemma.

In the past (the not-too-distant past), I’ve really struggled with groceries. I have several problems when it comes to grocery shopping:

1. Our budget is limited. Very, very limited. And we ALWAYS go over it.
2. I have several small children that make going to the store difficult. Very, very difficult.
3. In the grocery store, I’m an impulse shopper, and so are my kids.
4. I hate making shopping lists and frequently forget them at home.
5. I am too lazy and too frazzled to compare prices in the store.
6. I hate coupons.
7. I have always struggled with meal planning for more than a day or two in advance, so I never really know what I’m looking for.

After years and years of doing the same thing (shopping with small children in tow, impulse buying, grabbing whatever is closest vs. what is cheapest, ignoring sales, coupons, and deals, and waiting until the cupboards are bare to plan for the next meal), I have discovered a two-step grocery shopping strategy that has fixed ALL of the problems listed above. Here it is:

1. Meal planning.

Planning your meals just one week in advance will make a HUGE difference in your stress level about dinner and allow you to be more selective in what you purchase. It’s easier and faster (and, dare I say, more fun) than you might imagine.

2. Online grocery shopping and delivery.

This is going to save you time, money, stress, and frustration – you may never want to enter a grocery store again. Did you know that many stores offer free grocery delivery if your order is over a relatively low threshold (my store’s is $100)?

Meal Planning

I have always loved, and feared, the idea of meal planning. It seems so organized and helpful, yet so time consuming and boring. I’ve spent YEARS avoiding it. What if I’m not in the mood for what’s on my plan? Who has time for planning out several meals at a time? Won’t I be buying tons of food in one trip? Won’t that be expensive? What if the food spoils by the time the meal it goes in comes around? Isn’t that only for super-moms? I’m not a super-mom.
Well, let me tell you this:
1. In my experience, meal planning is NOT super time-consuming. In fact, it takes less time to plan out a week of meals than what I used to waste in the store (with whiny kids) looking around and trying to figure out what I was going to make.
2. If I’m not in the mood for what’s on the meal plan, or my kids aren’t excited about it, it’s not a big deal. We either eat it anyway (a great opportunity to exercise self-discipline), or we switch the days around and eat, for example, Tuesday’s meal on Monday and Monday’s meal on Tuesday.
3. I do end up buying a ton of food in one “trip”, but I still do two grocery orders per week, so nothing really has time to go bad. If I’m feeling extra-organized, I move the meals with sensitive foods (salads, fresh fruits) to the day of or after my grocery purchase. I spend much less time and money by making two big orders than I used to spend when I went to the store every day or every other day.
4. I spend way less money by using a meal plan, even though I shop at a more expensive grocery store (because it’s the only one around with grocery delivery). I’m far less likely to impulse-buy when I have a meal plan (and online shopping seriously limits impulse-buying as well, which I’ll address later).
5. I am still not a super-mom, but I don’t need to be. This method of shopping and eating is EASIER and LESS STRESSFUL than winging it. I spend zero time at the grocery store, and I would estimate that ordering groceries online takes about one quarter of the time it takes to travel to the store, do my shopping, load up the van, and travel home. And there is no buckling and unbuckling of carseats, no bickering in the car, no arguments over what ice cream to buy…

How to Meal Plan

Meal planning is not rocket science, but it can be overwhelming if you have picky eaters (I have many of them) or you just plain lack the energy or resources to plan seven meals at once (I do meal plans for dinner only). I have a few solutions for this:

1. Sign up for a meal-planning service, such as E-Meals. I did E-Meals for about 6 months, many years ago, and I printed and saved all of the plans. Now, I just keep them in a binder, and I take one out when I’m getting ready to order groceries for the week. I like E-Meals because the meals have very few ingredients and very simple recipes. (I have no relationship with E-Meals and am not paid to promote or sell their meal plans – I just really like them.) Also, all seven meals are already picked out and organized on one sheet of paper.
2. Take some time to make a list of your family’s favorite meals, and keep the list with your cookbooks/recipes/meal plans. Pick seven of them out just before you’re ready to order groceries for the week.
3. Pick a favorite cookbook and select seven recipes to make for the week. I’ve found that it’s best to stick with one cookbook for all seven recipes, or it gets to be too complicated. Just leave the cookbook on your countertop for the week with the recipes bookmarked, and you’re all ready to go!

After you’ve selected your meals, make a grocery list based on the meals. E-Meals does this for you, and if you’re using your family’s favorite meals, you can create a grocery list for each meal one time, then copy it or type it out and store it with your favorite meal list. Don’t worry about organizing your list; it won’t matter what order you put the ingredients in.

Don’t forget to add breakfast and lunch items to your shopping list (I keep these as simple as possible, and we often eat leftovers for lunch). For breakfast, try having the same thing on the same day each week (Mondays are cereal, Tuesdays are scrambled eggs, etc.), or just keep it simple with a couple of choices offered every day (cereal and toast, or yogurt and fruit, for example).

Also, add in your staple items (milk, bread), your cleaning supplies (vinegar, baking soda), toiletries (shampoo, body wash), and household items (diapers, toilet paper).

I try to keep snack items to a minimum, because I’ve found that if there are snacks around, we will all fill up on those and no one is hungry at meal times. Pre-packaged snacks are expensive, generally unhealthy, and not very filling. I try to use fruit, veggies, cheese, and homemade treats as snacks and avoid things like chips, packaged cookies and granola bars, fruit snacks, etc. This is, honestly, a big struggle for my family, and we still have plenty of room for improvement. If you do buy snacks, add them to your cart last, after all the important stuff is in there, and only allow yourself to spend whatever is remaining in your budget for that trip.

All in all, it takes me about 30 minutes to select a meal plan and write out my grocery list. I’ve found that I actually enjoy choosing the meals, and my family has really surprised me in what they’re willing to try and what they actually seem to like.

Online Grocery Shopping

I buy stuff online all the time. Christmas presents, school supplies, clothing, furniture – you name it, I have probably bought it online. I buy stuff on Amazon, eBay, store websites (like Justice or L.L. Bean), Walmart.com, and even from Facebook groups and Craigslist. I enjoy shopping online and am very comfortable with it. My husband, on the other hand, has NEVER bought anything online. Not once. To him, online shopping is scary (Is this site legit? Is someone going to steal my credit card? Am I going to accidentally spend hundreds of dollars or purchase the wrong thing?). When it comes to your comfort level with online shopping, you may be like one of us, or you may be somewhere in between. I encourage you to at least try buying your groceries online ONE time. I can’t guarantee that you won’t make a mistake, or that your credit card information is 100% safe, or that you’ll love it as much as I do. But, I can guarantee that you won’t know whether it’s right for you unless you give it a try. In all my years of online shopping, I have never had any significant problems. Minor problems, like getting the wrong size, are usually easily remedied (often more easily than going to a physical store). Major problems, like accidentally spending way more than I meant to or having my identity stolen, have never happened to me personally, although I know that they do happen. I’ve had my credit card number stolen a couple of times, but there’s no way for me to know exactly how that happened, and I have heard (although I can’t prove this) that your credit card information is actually much less safe in the hands of your waitress at a restaurant than it is online. If you’re uneasy about online grocery shopping, do some research, and talk to your grocery store manager about your concerns. Have a friend or family member who is experienced in online shopping place your first order with you, so they can answer your questions as you go along. I use Hy-Vee to order my groceries, and it’s as simple as this:

1. Create an account on the website. This involves setting up a username and password and giving the company your email address.
2. Log in using your new username and password. Select your location and whether you want pick-up or delivery. At Hy-Vee, both pick-up and delivery are free if your order is over $100 (so I always choose delivery!).
3. Find your grocery items and add them to your cart. What I do is type my item in the search field (such as, “banana”), then scroll through all the options that appear. I almost always look for the cheapest option, whether it’s on sale or the store brand. Hy-Vee not only has a store brand, but they also have an even cheaper brand called “That’s Smart” for many staple items. My favorite part of online shopping is that I’m able to comparison-shop effectively. If I need to find out which brand is cheaper based on the cost-per-ounce, I just pull up my computer’s calculator. I am not pressured by my kids, or pretty packaging, or the arrangement of the items, to choose the most expensive option. If you’re into coupons, you can even use digital coupons (I really, really hate coupons, so I’m not exactly sure how that all works, but I know it’s an option, and some items will actually tell you there’s a coupon available). I do use Hy-Vee’s rewards card, which lets you earn money off of your fuel purchases at participating gas stations. On their website, all of the fuel savers are clearly marked, and you just add them to your cart.

One word of caution on rewards cards: make sure you’re not buying expensive items just to earn rewards, because you probably aren’t actually saving any money. For example, if a $4 box of cookies is a $0.20 fuel saver reward, that sounds like a great deal. However, if I buy the maximum amount of fuel with my card (20 gallons), I save $4.00 (20 gallons x 20 cents), which is exactly the cost of the cookies I didn’t need and probably wouldn’t have otherwise bought. Anyway, by limiting what I can see to the item I typed in the search field, I’m not tempted to buy things that, in the store, would be right next to what I’m looking for. I don’t buy mangoes when I’m shopping for bananas, or fancy hummus when I’m shopping for chips, because they aren’t on my list and they aren’t on my screen. Impulse shopping is pretty much a thing of the past. Also, my shopping list doesn’t have to be very organized. When I bring a shopping list to the store, I’m always circling around and around because I didn’t write my list in the same order as the aisles in the store. So, if milk is at the end of the list but in the first aisle of the store, I have to go all the way back there to get it. Big time waster, plus that usually means a trip back by all the snacks that the kids have been begging for.
4. When you’re all done, you choose a delivery or pick-up time, and then you “check out.” Checking out involves entering your credit card and/or gift card information and submitting your order. You can choose to have Hy-Vee remember your credit card information (so you don’t have to keep entering it every time), or you can skip that option if it makes you nervous.
5. You will get a confirmation email with a receipt when your order has been processed. You will also get an email when your order is ready for pick-up or delivery.
6. If you selected delivery, Hy-Vee will show up at your door during the 1-hour delivery window you chose. If you selected pick-up, you just drive to the store during the 1-hour pick-up window, park in the pick-up spot, and call them from your cell phone to let them know you’re there.
7. With your order, you will get a printed receipt, and you will be asked to sign off on the order to verify that it was correct and you received it.

Notice that I skipped the part about establishing a grocery budget. I think the best way to do this, to start, is to look at the previous month’s actual spending and shoot for 80% of that for this month (thereby cutting out 20%). Divide that monthly total by 4.3 for your weekly budget total. I’ve also used the “$100 per person per month” rule. You’ll probably have to play with this number for a while, so just pick a number that seems reasonable and start from there.

The absolute best part of this system is that I have done it all in my pajamas, at home, while my husband takes care of the kids. I have no distractions and no stress. It’s almost like a little bit of “me-time.” I stick to my $900/month budget, when I used to regularly spend up to $1,300+ per month. We almost never get fast food anymore, unless it’s something we’ve planned into our schedule. I don’t have to spend an hour staring at my pantry panicking about what to make. I am actually using my crockpot. My kids are trying new foods. My husband can relax after work. An added bonus for us is that 2 of my kids attend a private school (have no illusions – it’s very inexpensive as far as private schools go, and we have grants that help immensely with the tuition), and the school offers a “Scrip” program. I don’t know what that stands for, but it’s basically a website where you order gift cards, and a percentage of what you spend on the gift cards is deducted from your tuition bill. So, I buy $200 in Hy-Vee gift cards each week, and I earn a 3% rebate toward my kids’ tuition. It doesn’t sound like much, but between that and some other gift cards (like gas cards, for example), I’m hoping to knock $500 off their tuition this year. If your kids attend a private school, be sure to check into this, because every penny truly does count. Each week, when I place my grocery order, I also place my Scrip order. Easy-peasy.

If you’re on the fence about staying home because of money concerns, or if you’re already staying home but think you may have to go back to work because you just can’t make ends meet, THIS IS THE SOLUTION! Stop feeding your family the hard way and take these two easy, painless steps toward financial freedom.

Are you up for a grocery budget challenge? Try doing meal-planning and online grocery shopping for just one month – or even one week – and let us know how it goes! Compare your spending and stress level during the challenge week/month to the one before. If you’re like me, this will change your entire life – and I am not exaggerating. Leave us a comment below and let us know how this system (or your own system) works for you!

February 14, 2018 2 comments

Uncategorized

Subscribe Now and Get These Awesome FREEBIES!

written by Emily Thams

You may not know this, but Radical Motherhood has created some awesome freebies for you if you subscribe to our blog!

Our mission is to help you become a SAHM. Because we believe that…

We have created this blog to radically change your view of motherhood and find joy at home. This blog covers every aspect of life as a SAHM, from finance to faith to food. Our subscriber freebies are tools to help you in your own SAHM journey.

Our favorite, most valuable freebie is our Living on One Income Workbook. With over 30 pages of interactive, practical ways to transition to one income, this workbook reads like a personalized ecourse in family finance. We cover every aspect of family finances from home expenses and grocery shopping to donating and tithing. We will help you set goals and think about areas in your life where you can cut back, enabling you to stay at home.

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February 9, 2018 0 comment

Feeding your Family How to be a stay-at-home mom Raising Kids

Family Recipes and Other Traditions

written by Allison Schoonover

My Stash of Family Recipes

The other day, I decided I needed to organize all of my recipes. I have a huge expanding file folder full of recipes that I’ve printed, cut from magazines, copied by hand, or been given over the last twenty or so years. Some of them I save just because I treasure the person who gave them to me, and I like having their handwriting – or even just their email signature – from years ago. There’s one recipe that my now-17-year-old wrote his name on when he was just learning to write, and I’ve saved it for more than ten years, even though I’ve never actually made the recipe. I have recipes from my grandma, my stepmom, my aunt, my sister, friends, co-workers, and, of course, the Internet. I have four banana bread recipes alone: a vegan one, my stepmom’s, my aunt’s, and my husband’s grandmother’s. I can’t tell you which one I like best…it might start a feud.

When I started going through my stash, I initially thought I’d just throw everything out, because I figured I can find pretty much any recipe online with a quick Google search. And, truthfully, I’m always a little bit worried that I might turn into a hoarder (if you saw my collection of old peanut butter jars and cardboard you’d probably think that it was already too late). I try not to hang onto things for purely sentimental reasons, because with 9 people in the house, there’s barely room for the essentials, let alone a bunch of things that I have an unreasonable emotional attachment to. But as I was looking through my grandma’s stew recipe, I thought about all the times I’d eaten it at her house and what a wonderful cook and hostess she was and I couldn’t throw it out. My Texas Caviar recipe reminded me of how thrilled my family was when we discovered Texas Caviar and of the time when my husband and I were trying to learn how to eat vegan together (it was one of the only foods we already loved that we could actually still eat). I found a recipe for white chicken chili from a friend that she emailed me when we worked together years and years ago, and it reminded me of how much I enjoyed working on projects (and complaining about work) with her. I know I could go online and find recipes just like these, along with beautiful photos and step-by-step instructions, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

More Than Just Recipes

And then, I had a deep thought: These recipes aren’t just recipes. They’re a connection between me and the people I love, even those whom I don’t get to see or talk to anymore. Making them – even just reading through them – draws me closer to the people who gave them to me. One of my most treasured possessions is a cutting board that my sister had engraved with a recipe in my mom’s handwriting. It’s a recipe for coffee cake, which I don’t ever remember her making, but just seeing her handwriting makes me feel connected to her, more than 30 years after her death. I look at it and daydream about my mom, remembering her cooking dinner, doing dishes, and talking to me about my day after school in the kitchen. You hear a lot about “comfort food”; there is something very comforting about making and eating familiar foods. Then, I had an even deeper thought: The internet is killing these kinds of family connections. We don’t have to seek out or learn recipes from family and friends anymore. Mom and Grandma are no longer the closest and easiest source of advice for thawing a roast, or chopping an onion, or rolling out cookies. Why bother with family members when we have Gordon Ramsey and Ree Drummond six inches away? Recipes today aren’t special or specific to certain people or places – we just look them up online and pick the one that has the highest rating, or the best picture. We miss out on the opportunity to call someone up – someone we know and love – and ask them for help (FYI to all kids and grandkids out there – we moms and grandmas love it when you do this). We miss out on opportunities to connect with our family and our heritage. We develop a false sense of independence, as though, with the internet at our fingertips offering the newest and best of everything, we don’t have any need for anything or anyone real, or “old,” or old-fashioned.

Then, I had my deepest thought yet: Every forgotten and discarded family recipe is a lost opportunity to bind one generation to the next. I’ve read many, many parenting books, and a recurrent theme is the need for family identity (which you can read more about in THIS blog post). Basically, family identity means feeling loved by and bonded to your family (mainly parents and siblings, but also across multiple generations). What better way to build family identity than to make and share family recipes? Our kids desperately need to feel connected to us and to their extended family. They need to feel like their family is special and has more to offer them than any other outside relationships or thing. If our kids don’t get their sense of identity and belonging at home, they will seek it in other, often destructive, ways. I can’t think of a better way to reinforce family identity than by making and eating a special family recipe together. What a great opportunity to share our own memories of the food we’re making and to build new memories with our kids.

New Family Traditions

This year, my goal is to celebrate one holiday every month as a family with special food and traditions. January’s celebration was the feast of the Epiphany, which is the day the three wise men found the baby Jesus. We made an Epiphany cake, which you can read more about and find a recipe for here: (http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/epiphany-cake/). Yes, that’s a link to Ree Drummond’s website, but hey – my family doesn’t have an Epiphany cake recipe, and I didn’t have all of these deep thoughts until later in the month. We also had sparkling cider, lit a candle, read the story of the three wise men from the Bible, and re-enacted the journey of the three wise men and their interaction with Herod. In February, my plan is to celebrate Groundhog Day with a viewing of the movie “Groundhog Day” and some kind of special food. Maybe a craft, if I get really organized. If you want some great ideas for starting family traditions, I recommend these books:

The New Book of Family Traditions, by Meg Cox (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13571714-the-book-of-new-family-traditions)

The Year and Our Children: Catholic Family Celebrations for Every Season, by Mary Reed Newland (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2147377.The_Year_and_Our_Children?from_search=true)

You don’t have to do anything complicated. Complicated tends to stress me out and make me want to forget the whole thing. If all you do is eat a meal together and talk about which family member gave you the recipe, or about your memories of eating the same meal as a child, that’s enough. If you don’t have any family recipes to draw from, try making something that your ancestors ate (if you know your ethnicity), or something that’s a traditional food for your current region/state/country. Or, as we did on the Epiphany, try making some food that’s specific to the holiday you’re celebrating. The absolute best family traditions incorporate faith and religion, but if that seems overwhelming, start with a meal and gradually add things like prayer, Bible reading (or Bible story reading, for younger kids), going to church, or (if you’re Catholic) maybe even Eucharistic adoration. If you’re crafty, add a craft. For the Epiphany celebration, we made crowns out of aluminum foil. It only took about 90 seconds to do, but it was still special and memorable, which is exactly what you want. Kids typically don’t like complicated stuff any more than we do. If I try to do a craft with my kids that has more than two or three steps, I usually end up finishing all of them by myself (which I kind of enjoy, but it’s missing the whole point). If your kids are grown, consider inviting them over for a monthly meal. When I was a teenager, we went over to my grandparents’ house every weekend (or what seems like every weekend) for dinner. Many times, we had hamburgers, and I can still picture the tray that my grandma used to hold all the condiments. I loved those dinners, and I know my parents did too. It’s never too late to start.

Easy Mealtime Traditions

Other quick ideas for family meals and traditions:

Have each child help prepare dinner on certain days of the week or month. Let the child help pick the menu and the table decorations. Crafty kids can even make out special menus, place cards, and invitations for their meal.
Celebrate out-of-the-ordinary days that are meaningful to your family – baptism and confirmation days, half-birthdays, pet birthdays, the anniversaries of important milestones like moving to your current home, etc.
Have a dessert-only dinner or a backwards dinner, where you eat dessert first
Have a picnic in the living room while you watch a movie
Have a real picnic at the park, or even in the back yard
Play “dinner games” while you eat. We have a set of dinner game cards from Chik-Fil-A that we love, but you can find all kinds of these games online. Our favorite one is to go around the table, starting with the letter A, and have each person say the name of a city or state that starts with the next letter of the alphabet. Another fun one is to pick a “virtual” hiding spot in the house (without actually going there) and have the rest of the family try to guess where you’re hiding.

If the kids aren’t into it (and at a certain age, they won’t be), don’t force them to participate or to express appreciation for all of your efforts. It won’t work, and it might ruin the whole evening for all of you. Just let the ones who ARE interested enjoy what you’ve got planned, and those who aren’t can just eat quietly and watch the fun. Everyone will remember what you’re doing, even if they’re just watching, especially if it’s relaxed and enjoyable. If you’re spending most of your time yelling at them for not participating (been there, done that), well, you’re doing the opposite of what you wanted to do.

What family recipes, mealtime activities, and traditions do you enjoy? Tell us in the comments!

February 2, 2018 0 comment

Finding Joy Raising Kids

Family Mission Statement (part 2 of 2)

written by Emily Thams

When I started researching family mission statements, I thought it might be too late for my family to create one. Our kids are in junior high and high school. They have already developed a sense of who we are as a family. We have been parenting them pretty successfully for years, so why worry about our values, goals, or mission now? Wasn’t it obvious what we wanted for our family? How important could defining these things be?

Very important. Maybe more important now than ever.

Allison wrote about this about family identity:

Family Identity has two basic components:
1. Having a clear sense of your family’s purpose, or mission, and getting your kids engaged in that mission.
2. Building strong relationships between parents, between each parent and each child, and among children.

Teenagers need a strong sense of family identity. No time in my parenting experience have I thought it more important to know what our family’s purpose is and engage the kids in that purpose. The teenage years are when your kids are most likely to stray from your values. They force you to make decisions you had never anticipated having to make. They often act like strangers. Their relationships with their friends become their priority and their friends know things about them that they would be horrified to share with you. Teenage siblings are competitive about almost everything- they fight, ignore, and chastise each other for even the smallest thing. Even the best moments together as a family can end in yelling and door slamming.

As my teenagers would say, “it’s rough.”

I knew that I needed to make the process of writing the statement easy and painless to get Todd to help me. We used our Family Mission Statement workbook as a guide to determine what we really value and what our most important priorities are.

A few concepts really resounded with the goals and direction we wanted for our family. The primary thing we want for our girls is to develop (or continue developing) Christian character.

Our Word:

Character

Our Verse:

³Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3

Our Mission:

Now that it’s written, we will be having a family meeting (see our Family Meeting Agenda!) to discuss it with the girls.

Writing it was the easy part, now we have to live it!

January 31, 2018 0 comment

Being a Wife Feminism Interviews with Experts Living your Faith

Natural Family Planning (NFP): The Birth Control Method and Fertility Treatment No One Talks About

written by Allison Schoonover

As you can read on our About page, the main reason we started this blog is to help moms, especially young moms, avoid some of the mistakes we’ve made. We want to inspire you to think critically about motherhood and your life’s purpose, because there were many years when we were just drifting along in survival mode, doing pretty much what everyone else was doing, just because everyone else was doing it. Birth control is one of the things we did as young moms because it felt responsible, and normal, and everyone else was doing it. It never even occurred to me (Allison) that using birth control was a decision that involved morality – that it was going against God’s design for sex and His plan for my family. It never occurred to me that using birth control could affect my health, my future fertility, or even cause the abortion of a tiny embryo before it could implant. I didn’t know, as you will after you read this post, that there is an alternative to hormonal and barrier birth control methods called Natural Family Planning, and it’s just as effective as the Pill, with absolutely no negative side effects and oodles of health and relationship benefits to both husband and wife.

The following is an interview we did with Becky Behrens, a Fertility Care Systems practitioner and outstanding Catholic woman and mother, about Natural Family Planning. If you are currently using any other form of birth control or fertility treatment, you need to read this interview! This is information that all moms and all women need to have but aren’t getting from their doctors or the mainstream media. Don’t forget to also check out the resources at the end of the post.

What is Natural Family Planning?

There are different methods. I teach Creighton Model, which is also referred to as Fertility Care Systems. It’s all natural (there are no medications or hormone pills or injections). For our method, you watch for the mucus signs: God made us in a way that we can predict when our fertility is coming. It’s only certain times of every month. It helps you know where you are in your cycle, when your fertility is coming and when it’s over. Another method is the basal body temperature – the Couple to Couple League, as well as others. There are phone apps too, and there is a phone app for the Creighton Model, although you need to complete the training program to be able to use the app effectively. (Click here to read about the NFP Charting app.) The Creighton Model FertilityCare System is more than NFP and the regulation of the family size. It has the teaching of Pope Saint John Paul II’s Theology of the Body woven into the system. If you’re interested on learning more about the theology behind NFP, you can read more here: https://www.nfpoutreach.org/47/.

Is it difficult? Is there a lot counting and record-keeping?

You have a chart that you start with each cycle and record information in every day. Everyone is different, and every cycle can be different. We’re not really counting days. There are specific charts and stamps that are standardized. What I’m teaching here is the same as it is in Africa. We (Fertility Care Systems) are in 36 countries around the world.

How do you learn NFP?

We hold an introductory session in a group setting, but each follow-up is individual and personalized. The follow-ups continue for a year. The first four follow-ups are every 2 weeks so you can gain confidence, and so that if something happens that’s out-of-the-ordinary, you can figure it out together. You really need the one-on-one follow-ups. Next, you have a 1-month follow-up, then every three months. You can also get help in between follow-ups. This method brings the couple together to plan their family – it’s not just the woman’s responsibility.

Is NFP for preventing pregnancy, or achieving pregnancy, or both?

Couples use Natural Family Planning to avoid pregnancy or achieve pregnancy. You can decide that at the end of every day. That’s where the couple has to work together, and to discern God’s will for their family. You decide between you, God, and your spouse whether you want to achieve or avoid pregnancy. It’s not all about you.

Is this only through the Catholic Church? Can anyone use this?

This is for everyone. We teach people of all faiths. We also have NaPro technology doctors who can help women with fertility or reproductive health problems. The Pope Paul the 6^th institute (https://www.popepaulvi.com/) is the headquarters for NaPro technology, where Dr. Thomas Hilgers has been helping women since 1985. Dr. Hilgers and his team of doctors are continually doing research to improve methods for helping women with fertility and reproductive health. Pope Paul VI wrote Humanae Vitae – the call of all men and women of science to help with the regulation of the fertility of couples. It’s definitely about the Catholic faith, but it’s not just for Catholics. NaPro is about healing the woman, healing the body, so that if God wants to produce life, you can achieve pregnancy. It does not include in-vitro fertilization or other artificial means of achieving pregnancy.

If I went to my family physician, would they be able to help me with NFP?

Probably not. Most physicians are not trained in NFP. You do not need a referral from your doctor to see an NFP counselor or doctor.

What’s wrong with hormonal birth control (the Pill, shots, IUDs)?

For one thing, you’re putting chemicals into your body. You’re also closing yourself off to creating life, to God’s will. It’s all about you and what you want, and you’re not leaving yourself open to God’s will for your family. If you practice natural family planning, you have to support each other as a couple and remember that you are a gift to each other. It helps promote the dignity of each person, and it can spill over into other areas of your life. It can improve communication and change the way you see each other. God is love and life. Sex involves the whole person. It’s the whole body, the whole relationship. It’s spiritual; we (the Creighton Model System) teach it as SPICE: spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative, and emotional. The secular world things that sex is just about intercourse.

Research also suggests that hormonal birth control can cause an abortion, by thinning the lining of the uterus and making it impossible for a fertilized embryo to implant.

Is NFP effective?

It’s as effective as the Pill as far as preventing pregnancy goes, when it’s used properly. You have to follow the method, and you have to be disciplined. Many people don’t understand their cycle, or how fertility works, which might be one reason why people may not trust NFP.

It is effective in helping couples achieve pregnancy because it allows them to identify fertile periods and understand their cycles. God gave us these signs in our body to allow us to intelligently decide when we want to achieve pregnancy. He gave us all the tools we need to plan our families. As a couple, you can decide each and every day whether you want to become pregnant, based on mucus signs.

Why is NFP okay and other birth control is not?

You are still remaining open to life when you use NFP. It’s different from artificial contraception because the couple is not deliberately shutting off the life-giving power of sexual intercourse. They are simply using NFP to abstain from intercourse when they decide that pregnancy is not in God’s will for them at the present time. NFP is about respecting life and respecting your spouse. Artificial birth control is all about ME and what I want or don’t want.

How can NaPro doctors help heal infertility problems?

The NFP charts can help diagnose reproductive health problems. If a problem is identified, such as low progesterone or unusual bleeding, your NFP practitioner can refer you to a NaPro doctor to get a diagnosis and treatment. Every year, NaPro doctors, NFP practitioners, religious (deacons, nuns) receive training and education to ensure that they are knowledgeable in the latest research and developments.

How do you find an NFP practitioner or NaPro doctor?

You can find a NaPro medical consultant (doctor) at: http://www.fertilitycare.org/find-a-mc.

If I’m interested in NFP, what do I do?

Sign up for an introductory session. Contact a Fertility Care practitioner in your area, which you can find online at: http://www.fertilitycare.org/. Use the search tool in the middle of the screen.

Is there education available for teens?

You can contact your NFP practitioner to arrange a training session directed toward teens or single young adults to educate them on the way the cycle works, the reasons for chastity and NFP, and/or the theology behind NFP. It’s important to educate teens on the way their bodies work and to give them the confidence to remain chaste. We also need to start educating our children about chastity at home, when they’re very young, in terms they can understand, and build the foundation for when they are teens and are making decisions about chastity. Simply giving your children birth control takes away their sense of responsibility and their confidence in their ability to make good decisions and remain chaste.

Thank you, Becky, for taking the time to give us this interview! For me, learning about natural family planning and the Theology of the Body was life-changing, and I hope it will be for our readers as well.

Please leave us a comment if you are using NFP or plan to look into it!

“You have to take responsibility for your actions. That’s one of the things that natural family planning does – it gives you the responsibility for your actions. Contraception takes responsibility away, and at the same time, it’s taking life away. It’s taking part of your life away too, not just the life that you’re preventing.” – Becky Behrens