Radical Motherhood - finding joy at home

Co-Parenting After Divorce

I was recently asked if I had any advice to give regarding “co-parenting.” As in, divorced parents working together to “parent” their children. I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided that my advice is: don’t waste your time. It isn’t possible. It shouldn’t even be a word, let alone a topic of discussion. As a divorced parent of nearly 12 years, I can honestly say that all of my attempts to co-parent have failed, in a total and devastating way. Once you divorce someone, you pretty much remove whatever motivation they had to listen to you, make compromises with you, or care about your opinions. Trying to get them to impose YOUR rules in THEIR household is NEVER, EVER going to work. You and your children are just going to have to get used to two sets of rules and expectations at two different households, and you will have to let go of the idea that you can somehow control what happens at their other house. Will this cause confusion? Yes. Frustration? Undoubtedly. Will your kids want to move to the “fun” household just because there are fewer rules? You betcha. And the more you try to cling to your kids and your control over them, the more they’ll ignore your rules, idealize their other home, and want to leave.

This is why I tell anyone who will listen, DO NOT GET DIVORCED. If you need more reasons, read my other post here.

But, if you’re like me and it’s too late for that, keep reading. I’ve got some ideas that will help.

If I don’t co-parent, what do I do?

I’m not saying that you should give up on establishing rules and boundaries for YOUR household. Nor am I saying that you should never speak up when you see or hear of outrageous or dangerous things happening at the other parent’s house. But a much better use of your time and creative energy than co-parenting is to:

Find ways to help your kids transition between households, and to
Help them develop a well-formed conscience so they can regulate their own behavior, regardless of the different sets of rules at each home.

Easing the transition

It’s hard for me to imagine what it’s like for my kids to have two homes and two sets of parents. It really is like they have two separate lives, and I know almost nothing about the life they live at their dad’s house. When I get really frustrated about their behavior on a transition day, I try to put myself in their place and imagine what they’re going through. In the span of the hour it takes to get from one house to the other, their whole world becomes entirely different. At their dad’s house, they have different siblings, a different bedroom, a pet cat and dog, a different wardrobe, different toys, different rules about food and electronics, different friends, no school or homework or extracurricular activities to worry about, a stepmom, different grandparents and aunts and uncles, a different church…even a different personality. When my daughter is at my house, she scorns everything girly, but she’ll come back from her dad’s house with painted fingernails, braided hair, and feminine clothes that she can’t wait to show me.

So when my kids come home to my house after a weekend away, is it any wonder that they act differently or seem to forget all the rules we have here? I used to take it personally when they were aloof and wanted to spend time alone in their rooms, or when they called me by their stepmom’s name or disregarded our rules on electronics or snacks. But I’ve realized that they need time and space to adjust back to our version of normal. Give your kids a day or so to get back into the groove at your house without nagging or scolding them, and you’ll be amazed at how much more peaceful your house is. Refrain from grilling them about what happened, criticizing anything about their other home or parents, or correcting them when they break a rule that you know is different over at their other home. If you think you can do it sincerely, go so far as to acknowledge that you know it’s hard for them to go from one home to the other and apologize for putting them in this situation.

And when you feel yourself getting angry and tempted to yell, just remember that they didn’t want two different households, you and your ex did.

More important than rules

Kids need rules. However, what kids need even more than rules is to develop and listen to that still small voice called a conscience that alerts them when they’re about to do something wrong. I’m not going to claim to be an expert in how to do that, because my children – and I – are still a work in progress. The best, and for me, the easiest way to help kids develop a good conscience is to simply lead by example. Do the right thing, consistently, especially when it’s hard, and your kids will notice. If you’ve ever said a swear word in front of a toddler, you know how strong their tendency is to imitate us, and that goes for bad behavior as well as good. Tell the truth, and you show them the importance of telling the truth. Put the needs of others before your own, and you show them how to serve. Work hard, and you show them the value of hard work. Pray with them, and you show them the importance of developing a relationship with God.

Other ways to help your kids develop their conscience:

Surround them with good adult role models. Spend time with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends who live the way you want your kids to live.

Read the Gospels with them. For younger kids, a storybook or graphic novel-style bible with lots of pictures is a great resource. There is no better example for them than the life of Jesus. My kids have all enjoyed The Jesus Storybook Bible:https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/165068.The_Jesus_Storybook_Bible?ac=1&from_search=true

Read good books to them or with them. Books like The Chronicles of Narnia for older kids, or classic fairy tales and fables for younger kids are an engaging way to show them how to behave honorably.
- You can read Aesop’s fables, the fairy tales of Hans Christian Andersen, and more online: http://aesopfables.com
- These are two great resources to help you find good reading material for your kids:
  - A Landscape with Dragons, by Michael D. O’Brien: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1015234.A_Landscape_with_Dragons
  - The Paideia Program, by Mortimer J. Adler: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/169941.Paideia_Program?ac=1&from_search=true

Pray with them and for them. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide them and give them the strength to resist temptation. As a Catholic, I believe that receiving the sacraments regularly (Eucharist, Reconciliation) also gives my kids the grace they need to resist temptation and grow stronger spiritually.
- I love The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian. She’s written some great prayers for parents to use in a number of difficult situations and temptations that kids face:
  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18054705-the-power-of-a-praying-parent?ac=1&from_search=true

Talk about situations that might come up and how they might handle those situations. What would they do if they had an opportunity to cheat on a really important test? What if they caught a friend doing something dishonest or illegal? Is it ever okay to lie?
- A great resource we’ve used for this is the What Would You Do? books from The Critical Thinking Co. The books present a series of moral dilemmas and help you ask questions to get your kids (or class) talking about what they would do in that situation. https://www.criticalthinking.com/what-would-you-do.html

One final thought

If you continue to struggle with the different rules and expectations, consider asking your kids what you can do to help the situation.

How can I make the transition easier for you?

What rules or expectations are the hardest for you to adjust to?

Why do you think we continue to struggle with XXX?

How could I change our rule about XXX to make it easier for you to follow/remember?

Don’t just assume that your kids will laugh this off and ask for all the rules to be eliminated. If you take them and their ideas seriously, they will usually do the same for you.

Are you a divorced parent? Share your feedback or co-parenting story with us in the comments.

May 6, 2019 0 comment

How to be a stay-at-home mom Interviews with Real Moms Why be a stay-at-home mom?

Interview with the Husband of a Stay-At-Home Mom

written by Allison Schoonover

I know there are a lot of moms who would love to stay home with their kids, but they – and their husbands – have doubts. Can we make it on one income? Will I be bored at home? Can I handle the stress of being the sole provider? Will we have to live on beans and rice? Will we still be able to retire someday? What will the kids think? What will our friends think? What’s the responsible thing to do? Sometimes, we just need a little reassurance from someone who’s been there, and for men, that reassurance means more if it’s coming from another man.

SO, I decided to interview my husband. He’s been doing the sole-provider thing for almost nine years, and he’ll be the first to tell you that he never thought he’d be able to make this work. At least, not on his own. But, with the help of God, the support of our families, and a little creativity, we continue to be blessed and thriving nine years (and five more children) later.

Why did you and your wife decide that she would quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom?

John: It’s been a dream of hers, and it’s been a dream of mine, for a long time, that we would be in a situation that we could do this. With her wanting to do it and approaching me about it, I thought it was a no-brainer. She put the pencil to it – how much is daycare, where can we find another $50. She did all the homework and figured it all out. It was what she wanted and what I wanted, and we’ve never looked back.

Were you worried about your wife becoming a stay-at-home mom? If so, what were your main concerns?

John: I think in the beginning the only thing that I might have been concerned about was her getting bored at home. She’s so good at her job, I was afraid that she might miss that and want to go back into the workforce.

What are some of the sacrifices you made so that your wife could become a stay-at-home mom?

John: I really don’t see any sacrifice. The only thing I can think of is when we first started, we got rid of our satellite dish, we went down to one car…and we rent, so we haven’t purchased a house since we’ve been doing this, but I know that we could do it, so I don’t think that’s a sacrifice. That’s about it, just a few odds and ends that were just a few monthly payments. We were able to find the money by not having daycare, not having the extra car payment and insurance, and my wife is very good at finding money.

What is the best part about your wife being a stay-at-home mom?

John: Security for my children. I think growing up in the 60’s and 70’s like I did, it was such a wonderful thing that my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and I feel the same about my situation now. The kids don’t have to go and stay at someone else’s house or get dropped off at 6 am. The security that mom is always there – you can’t put a price on that.

What are some of the other benefits?

John: Doctor’s appointments, picking the kids up from school, not having to worry about if one of the kids is sick, just simple things like that. Appointments and errands that she can get done if she wants to.

What is your plan if you lose your job or a significant portion of your income?

John: I guess I haven’t felt like I needed a plan. If it comes to that, I would find employment elsewhere. I don’t think that’s an issue. It’s never part of my plan that she would go back to work. I don’t worry about money.

What role did God and your faith play in your decision to become a one-income family?

John: I think the whole thing was based on that. In a worldly mindset, I couldn’t imagine this, to trust my lone income to give me all the things that I need for a growing family and take care of all the finances and continue to grow our family.

What differences have you noticed in your wife, your children, and your household in general since your wife became a stay-at-home mom?

John: I’d say there’s so much more peace about the household. It’s very peaceful. It’s a lot more organized, and there’s no stress coming from job to home. I try to help out with the daily things, but she finds a lot of joy in cooking and in running the household. There’s less drama with the kids; more quality time with the kids.

What advice would you give other husbands who have concerns about their wives becoming stay-at-home moms?

John: First, I would pray about it. Seek God’s help on it, and maybe sit down and pencil it out. If it’s her heart’s desire, and it’s God’s will, you will be blessed. You will benefit tremendously from it. The lost income is such a minor part of it. I think about these children and how this is the only childhood they have. All the time spent in daycare. You just can’t put a price on this. They always say, you never say on your deathbed that you wish you’d had more time at work. I think God will bless you in a special way, and your children will come back when they’re older and they’ll treasure her, and they’ll say, look what Mom sacrificed for us.

Is your husband concerned about you staying home? Was he concerned at first, but you were able to overcome his objections? Share your story in the comments!

April 4, 2019 0 comment

Being a Wife Finding Joy Living your Faith Raising Kids

We’re in a Linkup! Check it out!

written by Allison Schoonover

What’s a Linkup?

As relatively new bloggers, we’re not exactly sure if we did this right. However, we (are pretty sure we) posted a couple of our recent posts in a “Linkup” at one of our favorite blogs, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home. A Linkup is a special blog post where bloggers from across the world wide web can add links to their own posts on whatever topic the host requests. So, the post ends up being a big repository for many different posts from many different authors, all on one central topic or theme. It’s a wonderful resource for busy moms!

How Do I Find the Linkup?

If you visit A Wise Woman Builds Her Home using the link below, or if you search the Wise Woman blog for the March 13 Titus 2 Linkup, you’ll find more than 85 blog posts from various blogs on topics related to Christian womanhood – faith, parenting, homeschooling, cooking – all kinds of helpful information.

Talk to us!

Enjoy the Wise Woman Builds Her Home post, and let us know what you thought! Which post in the Linkup was your favorite (we won’t be offended if it isn’t ours…probably)?

March 16, 2019 6 comments

Homeschool Raising Kids

Starting Homeschooling in the Middle of the School Year

written by Emily Thams

This post is from April 2018, so we have now been homeschooling for almost a year. Here’s how it all started.

We started homeschooling!

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about our decision to start homeschooling our girls in high school. Our original plan was to start in the fall, at the beginning of the school year. Which is a logical time to start, rather than in the fourth quarter of the current school year…

We have a few good reasons for starting now, however. Our middle daughter (Alyssa) is the one we are currently homeschooling and definitely plan to homeschool through high school. She is a good student with good grades and test scores. But she has also had a tough year in other ways, and really wanted a change. We started to research homeschooling as a family, and now wonder how we ever thought that public school was the best option that we had.

If you are thinking about making a change, have a child struggling emotionally, socially, or academically, you should consider starting to homeschool, no matter what time of year it is.

We started now because:

We wanted to learn how to homeschool before we actually really start homeschooling for real in the fall. There are so many choices for structuring homeschool and so many curriculum options, we wanted to start figuring out what will work for us before we commit to something for high school.
We needed to take a break and “deschool”, which basically means disconnecting from school and figuring out what Alyssa is really interested in learning. It really is just living life like it’s summer break, getting out of the school culture and finding out what your true interests are. Learn more about deschooling here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk7MyHfrLKE
Alyssa really wanted to start now. She had been doing research about homeschool and felt strongly that this was the right way for her to learn. She also wanted some time to figure out some of her relationships and have a break from the stress of those relationships and from school in general. And once we had decided to homeschool through high school, she didn’t want to wait (and neither did I).

I was nervous about taking her out of school, mainly because I was worried that we wouldn’t be “doing enough” for the rest of the school year. Since we have not homeschooled before, the whole process was new, so I had research to do.

This is what we did before we took her out of school:

Researched homeschooling in Iowa: the legal issues, paperwork, options, etc. We joined the Network of Iowa Christian Home Educators and found all of the information we needed to get started. We also found the Home School Legal Defense Association website helpful. The law in Iowa states that we have to complete at least 148 days of instruction for homeschool. We took her out of school at around day 143 (out of 180 required for most public schools), so we didn’t have much to do to complete the school year. She has also already taken the Iowa Assessments for the year, which is another way to measure progress, so we didn’t feel that much school work was necessary to have a complete 8^thgrade year.
We met with the school principal and guidance counselor to work out the details of leaving school, while keeping her enrolled in band and chorus for the rest of the year. This was a very easy process and our public school administrators were very helpful. They even let us borrow the textbooks that she was working on for the remainder of the school year so we could finish her subjects at home (if we wanted to).
We started researching homeschool curriculum. If you have ever done this, you know that there is an overwhelming amount of information and choices out there. We haven’t made any decisions yet, since we are trying to figure out the best way to do school in the fall. But we started looking so we have a general idea of what we could do.

Here is what we have done in the last couple of weeks since we started:

Lived life with no agenda (most days).
Found a few other homeschoolers to talk to.
Art! Mainly drawing.
Music! Violin and ukelele.
Went to an art exhibit.
Went for walks.
Cooked vegan food.
Visited our cousins.
Visited the library.

Starting homeschool in the middle of the year is not as scary as I thought it would be. Alyssa is adjusting and finding her interests. Once we feel like we have had time to figure out what she wants to study and how she wants to study it, we will start finding curriculum and activities for next fall. For now, we are just enjoying a slower pace and spending time together.

Have you started homeschooling mid-year? Are you considering it? Share with us in the comments!

March 14, 2019 1 comment

Finding Joy Living your Faith Social Life

Self-Care for Selfless Moms

written by Allison Schoonover

If you spend any time looking at blogs or websites or social media for moms, you’ve heard of self-care. It’s the idea that you have to take care of yourself first, or you won’t be able to take care of your family. Self-care ideas often include mom’s nights out, spa treatments, shopping, going on trips with friends, spending time alone in prayer or meditation, exercising, beauty treatments, and so on. Sometimes, self-care is even used as a reason for moms to stay in the workforce: if you need your work to feel “fulfilled,” then you need to keep working, because you won’t be a good stay-at-home mom if you’re feeling unfulfilled and resentful. Take care of yourself, keep your job, and let someone else deal with the kids all day.

When I read about self-care, my first response is, “YES! I want a spa day! And a mom’s night! And a 7-day Caribbean cruise vacation with my friends!” There are seasons when I feel like I NEVER get a break…it’s just day after day after day and night after night after night of taking care of everyone else, at the expense of what I think I need or deserve. I’m not against the idea of self-care at all – I long for it sometimes, like when I’m nursing a baby at 3 am (and then 4 am and 5 am), or when I look down at my feet and realize it’s been months since I even thought about clipping my toenails.

But I think we need to be cautious about indulging in too much self-care, and in the types of self-care we choose. Why?

1. I, like most of you, live in EXTREME comfort compared to most of civilization past and present. I consider myself to be somewhat self-care-deprived, yet here are just a few of the things I enjoy on a regular (if not daily) basis: indoor plumbing with hot water, electricity, a climate-controlled home, comfortable furniture, an abundance of nice clothing, as much food as I want, enough time to shower, do my hair, and put on makeup every morning, easy access to childcare (if I need it), a phone and computer to communicate with anyone I want or access any information I need in an instant, grocery stores with processed/pre-made foods like bread, pasta, and canned goods that make meal prep a 30-minute process or less…that’s a lot of self-care that I don’t even recognize as such most of the time. If you’ve ever visited a third-world country, I’m sure you can think of many more ways that we’re pampered, even without setting foot in a salon.

2. Self-care feels good in the moment, but most of it doesn’t provide real, lasting refreshment. Have you ever been on a vacation and returned to work the following week feeling like you never left? Or returned from a day at the mall overwhelmed with guilt and remorse at the money you spent? Sometimes, I know that I need a break from my kids. If I want to avoid doing or saying something I’ll regret, I have to get out of the house and do something without my family. But that something can be as simple as picking up a few groceries, or having a cup of coffee with a friend, or walking through the thrift store. I don’t have to spend much money or time away to get the pick-me-up I need to come home with a better attitude. Thirty minutes of self-care that costs $5 or less is usually just as effective as an elaborately planned (and expensive) mom’s day or night out.

3. Self-care doesn’t make you feel as good about yourself as self-sacrifice. Take a few minutes to write down all of the sacrifices you’ve made for your family and friends this week. Even the little stuff, because that little stuff adds up. Did you spend Saturday morning doing laundry instead of catching up on social media? Did you watch The Spongebob Movie instead of your favorite Netflix show because your 8-year-old wanted a family movie night? Maybe you made rice crispie bars as an after-school snack when you could have been napping or spent your clothing budget on new gym shoes for your son instead of that cute sweater you found on Amazon. When you read over your list, what kind of person does it describe? Isn’t that exactly the kind of person you want to be? Don’t you kind of wish the list was even longer? Now think back to the last time you spent a night out with the girls, or went to a salon for a manicure and pedicure. Did you come home feeling refreshed, or were you exhausted and hungover? Did you appreciate your new manicure, or did you feel guilty about spending so much money on something that was gone after a couple of days of dishes or gardening? Sometimes, all the self-care you need is to remind yourself of all the hard work you do and who you do it for.

4. Most self-care is focused on our physical and emotional selves, and those are certainly important. We do need time to rest our bodies and feel happy and appreciated. However, the most effective self-care is spiritual, and you’re not going to find that downtown or at the salon or the bar. Instead of trying to carve out the time and budget for a tropical vacation or a spa day, figure out how you can spend more time with God. Are you going to church regularly? Do you find time for daily prayer? Do you ask God for help when you’re feeling overwhelmed? If you turn to God to meet your needs, including your need for self-care, He will always be there for you, and He will always satisfy you. For real.

So, it turns out that prayer is the best form of self-care.

Invite God into your frustration, your exhaustion, and your heartache, and he will give you true refreshment. I know how hard it is to make room in your day for God, and once you actually make room, it’s equally hard to figure out what exactly to say or do. Taking 15 minutes out of your day to pray sounds like the easiest thing in the world, and yet I can easily count how many times I’ve done it in the last month (because it’s zero).

Now, figuring out how to pray is a topic for another post – or a dozen posts – so I won’t try to do it here. Plus, I probably shouldn’t try to write about how to pray until I’ve actually figured it out for myself. I’m not exactly an authority at this point. However, there are a couple of resources I want to share because I really think they can help you if you’re new to prayer:

If you’re looking for a quick guide to getting started, try Matthew Kelly’s Prayer Process: https://dynamiccatholic.com/learning/the-prayer-process.

I also love Peter Kreeft’s (short) book on prayer called Prayer for Beginners: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/325189.Prayer_for_Beginners.

A great way to start your day and turn EVERYTHING you do into a form of prayer is to say the morning offering: https://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/prayers/morning2.htm. This is a perfect prayer for moms, because it’s super short and easy to say, and it turns all of the little things you do all day long, like mopping the floor and changing diapers, into offerings for God. I have it stuck to my bathroom mirror so I remember to say it every morning.

If you want to start right away with something simple, try the “Jesus Prayer.” It goes like this: “Lord, Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” You don’t have to go somewhere quiet or kneel down or even stop what you’re doing; you just say it. I say it (in my head) every time a toddler tests my patience, or I drop cereal all over the floor, or I yell at someone who really didn’t deserve it. I say it every time that voice in my head starts criticizing me because I never find time to pray. I think it’s a good start.

What’s your take on self-care? What’s the last thing you did that you’d consider self-care, and how effective was it?

March 11, 2019 2 comments

Creative Fulfillment Finances How to be a stay-at-home mom Transitioning to being a SAHM Why be a stay-at-home mom?

Reasons NOT to Stay Home with Your Kids

written by Allison Schoonover

Most women in the U.S. do not stay home with their kids. According to a 2016 analysis by the Pew Research Center, only about 18% of U.S. parents are stay-at-home parents (about 83% of these are moms).

I think those numbers should be higher.

In fact, the whole mission of this blog is to encourage more moms to stay home.

If you’re reading this post, maybe you’re considering staying home, but there are a few obstacles that you just can’t seem to overcome.

Maybe this post will help.

What follows is a list of the top 5 objections I hear to staying home and my objections to those objections. If you can change your mind on these top 5 issues, you are well on your way to radical motherhood and becoming a stay at home mom.

1. I can’t afford to stay home.

Objection: You CAN afford to stay home, you just need to change your money mindset. Rather than asking, “What are all of the things I want, and how much money will I have to make to get those things,” you need to ask, “What I can I live without in order to give myself fully to my family?” You need to decide which expenses are absolutely necessary and which are worth sacrificing for the greater good of being at home full time, and you need to be brutal. Do you need… to travel and take long vacations? A fully funded retirement account? To pay for your children’s (possible) college education? Expensive haircuts, clothing, shoes, and manicures? Cell phones for every member of the family? Separate bedrooms for every child? Fast food? The list of things the average family could cut out of their budget is longer than you might think. I found a tool online called a “Living Wage Calculator” that tells you, by metro area, what you need to earn to survive. It’s well above poverty level, but it’s well below what most people probably strive to earn. Based on what I saw for my area, I think it gives a pretty good idea of what you CAN live on, if you choose to. http://livingwage.mit.edu/ For some additional inspiration on how to downsize, read our posts on finances and living on one income:

Strange Ways to Stop Spending

Meal Planning and Online Grocery Shopping

Living on One Income Part 1

Living on One Income Part 2

2. I will not be happy if I stay home.

Objection: First, you CAN be happy if you stay home. I thought the same thing, and I was wrong. All it takes is a little tweaking of your perspective and priorities. Second, you cannot make decisions based on how you feel, or how you think you’ll feel. Feelings are fickle, and it’s our job to become the master of our emotions. We rule them; they should not rule us. If you think you would be unhappy at home, take a moment right now to pinpoint why you think that. Is it because of something you think you’ll be missing or missing out on (co-workers, recognition for a job well done, meaningful work, nice office, expensive meals and trips, interesting clients, sense of purpose, using your training/knowledge/expertise)? If so, have you thought about what you’re missing out on while you’re at work (all of those “first” milestones, talking to your kids, playing with your kids, knowing what your kids like/dislike/think about all day long, being the number one influence in your kids’ lives, enjoying your home, volunteering, making homemade meals and snacks, spending more time with extended family and friends, taking naps, wearing comfortable clothes)? I find that if I line up the pros and cons of working vs. staying home, staying home is a hands-down winner.

3. I spent a lot of time and money on my education, and I don’t want to waste it.

Objection: Is the sole purpose of education to get and keep a job? I would like to think that my education wasn’t “wasted,” yet I never really needed it to get any of the jobs I’ve had, and I’ve only “used” it in a very general sense. Education has value in and of itself – it becomes a part of you that is yours whether you use it to do work that earns an income or not. What you’ve learned, no matter how specific or technical it may seem, can be used in many different ways and environments, including at home. If you’re holding onto guilt for the money spent on your education, let it go. The money and time are gone, and you aren’t going to get them back, no matter how many hours you work. If you’re worried that no one else can make the same contribution to the workforce that you can, you’re right. You are unique, and so is the work you could do. Whether you’re a brain surgeon or a sales rep or a kindergarten teacher, the working world WILL miss out on your talents if you’re not there. But they can and will find someone else to do approximately the same thing you could do. Your kids, however, only have one mom, and you are the only person who can be that for them.

4. I need a break from my kids, and they need a break from me. We would make each other crazy if we spent all that time together.

Objection: The main reason I decided to stay home, after several years of being a working mom, was that I was sick of giving the best of myself to my job instead of my family. I worked all day, and by the time I picked the kids up from school or daycare and got dinner on the table, I felt like all of my patience, creativity, and energy were gone. Our whole evening together felt like a long, painful countdown until bedtime. The mom is the hub of the family, and if the hub is tired and short-tempered, the whole family feels it. When you work all week, evenings and even weekends seem like never-ending to-do lists – make dinner, clean up from dinner, catch up on laundry, take the kids to practice, clean the bathrooms – there isn’t any time to just relax and enjoy each other. I think the main reason that so many working moms think that their kids would drive them crazy if they were home all day is that they’re used to only being around their kids when they’re exhausted. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows at my house, but there are very few times when I think, “Man, I wish I was at work right now.”

5. I’ll be betraying the women’s movement if I stay home. What about all the women who went before me and fought for equal rights and equal pay?

Objection: Read up on the women’s movement. I promise you, you don’t owe it or anyone involved in it anything. If the women’s movement really was or is about giving women choices, then one of those choices is to stay home and raise your children, and a true women’s libber should be happy for you. A great book on this topic is Subverted: How I Helped the Sexual Revolution Hijack the Women’s Movement, by Sue Ellen Browder.

If you want to read more from us on this topic, take a look at our Top 22 Reasons to be a Stay at Home Mom.

Are you thinking about becoming a stay-at-home mom? What are some of your biggest fears and concerns? If you’re already a stay-at-home mom, what are some of the objections you hear most often?

March 2, 2019 0 comment

Raising Kids

What about social media?

written by Emily Thams

I have a love/hate relationship with social media (don’t we all?).

I love the idea of being able to see what my friends and family are doing, especially the ones I don’t see regularly. I love finding a group on Facebook where people can support each other- as parents, homeschoolers, bloggers, students, knitters…basically anything. I love that you can create photo albums and find events near you.

I hate what social media has done to our kids. I hate that any time of day, anywhere, our kids can be affected by a comment someone made. That they can be bullied in their own homes. Or asked to send inappropriate pictures of themselves. I hate that they can feel left out because of a picture or post. I hate that they are addicted to their screens. I hate selfies and filters. It doesn’t take more than a google search to find the ill effects of a social media world on our children. Our kids do not have the emotional strength to cope.

What can we do about it?

I am not going to tell you that I have the answers to all of the problems that social media brings us. I don’t think anyone does yet. I am figuring it out as I go, just like all of you. And there are no easy answers.

I would love to parent the kind of kids I read about who don’t care about Snapchat and Instagram. You know, the articles where kids have voluntarily given up all social media and instead spend their time reading or volunteering or starting a small business. I admire parents who have avoided buying their kids smart phones. It’s too late for me.

My kids begged to have Snapchat as soon as they heard about it. They have Instagram and TikTok. They tweet. They watch YouTube incessantly. And I allow it (even though it makes me crazy).

Of course, I don’t want them to have all of these distractions in their lives. I want them to be more interested in their Bibles and school work than their phones. To care less about what is happening on the internet and more about what is going on in their own family. But I also want them to learn how to use these things responsibly, because I don’t think they are going anywhere.

And I know that if I forbid social media, they will just create accounts that I don’t know about.

I think that we need to focus on influencing our kids’ interaction with social media, rather than force them to get rid of it altogether. It seems like every day there is a new way for kids to be harmed by what they see. We can’t anticipate what is coming next because it’s all so new. At least once a week I read about some threat to our kids- some challenge (remember the kids eating Tide Pods?) or a post or video containing horrible images and messages. We can’t stay ahead of it! We don’t know what will be next, and by the time we do know about it, our kids have known about it for weeks.

Let’s teach them how to be smart social media users.

Let’s do it together as parents, and with the help of our children, because none of us really know what to do yet. I am starting by accepting social media as part of their lives, and trying to teach them about using these apps responsibly. It’s a new type of social media challenge, I guess.

Here are the 5 ways I am trying to influence my kids’ social media habits:

Talk to them about relationships. Talk about how social media relationships are not always healthy and honest. Encourage them to actually call their friends and invite them over to hang out in person. Explain how easy it is for a person to manipulate them with social media, give them examples of what they might see and how to respond, who to block and what to report.
Be a good role model. Don’t obsess over your own Facebook likes or look for attention on social media. Don’t check your phone repeatedly. Don’t engage in arguments or drama online. The more you do, the more they do.
Listen to them. Kids are telling you things even when they aren’t saying much. A comment about what someone said online might mean that they are looking for advice about their own situation. Be aware of these moments and make them teachable.
Check, but not obsessively, their social media. They are going to hide things from you. They know how. And if they don’t know how, they will search Google to find out how. There are times when you just have to confiscate the phone and check it all out. But doing this habitually creates sneakiness. Ask to see their accounts, ask what they are looking at and who they are talking to. When you ask, don’t be judgy. (This is my kids’ biggest complaint. They think I am judging their friends, comments, pictures, you name it.) Be matter of fact and try not to freak out about what you find. Talk about the long-term impact of their social media accounts.
Set limits. Time limits, have them plug the phone in in a public location at night, don’t allow phones in bedrooms. Talk about when it’s inappropriate to use their phone. Password protect their ability to download apps. Put filters on your internet and their devices. You will have fights about the limits you set, but it’s so important that we don’t just let them use the internet unsupervised.

In order to figure out this social media puzzle, we need to keep the conversation ongoing. I don’t know that we are ever going to be comfortable with our kids use of social media. We need to help each other and keep each other informed, and we need to help our kids be part of this conversation.

How do you influence your kids’ social media habits? What works for you?

February 28, 2019 0 comment

Book Reviews

Books I Read Last Year

written by Allison Schoonover

I like to read. I like it even more than watching TV, which baffles my husband and most of my children. If I’m interested in something, my favorite way to learn about it is to find a book (or a dozen books) and read until I’m satisfied. Warning: everything I read last year was either on faith, parenting, or homeschooling – topics that never get old for me. Some of these books were excellent, and I hope you add them to your 2019 reading list.

book recommendation — Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

The List

These are the books I’ve read within the last year or so; you can click the links to find them on GoodReads. I have a very short review/synopsis for each, but if you want to know more, check out the GoodReads link. You can read many, many reviews on that site, and there are links within most of the book descriptions to buy the book on Amazon (Kindle or printed copy) and other sites. There’s also a really cool “Library” button you can click that will show you which libraries in your area have the book on their shelves.

Books on Faith

Not a Fan, by Kyle Idleman: Quick, easy read with a great message: Jesus wants you to be his follower, not just a fan. This would be a good book to read with your teenager. If you have a teenager who would be willing to do that (I don’t).
Divine Mercy for Moms, by Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet: Great explanation of what the Divine Mercy is, where it came from, and how to incorporate the Divine Mercy prayer and practice into your life as a mother.
The Virtues We Need Again, by Mitchell Kalpakgian: This might be my favorite book on the list. It explains what the virtues are and how to live them, using a variety of classic literature, from Shakespeare to Mark Twain.
After Virtue, by Alasdair MacIntyre: If you’re not a philosophy buff, this is a difficult read, but I was able to pick up on the main idea here – mankind’s ideas about virtue have a history, and if you want to understand (and fight) our current culture of radical individualism and relativism, you have to understand that history. There’s a guide for this book called Reading Alasdair MackIntyre’s After Virtue, by Christopher Stephen Lutz, which is at the top of my reading list for 2019.
Discovering God Together, by Greg and Lisa Popcak: I love these authors, and I love this book. It’s about how to grow in faith together as a family. My favorite parenting book to-date is the Popcak’s Parenting with Grace, which I am trying to read every year until I’m done raising kids. You can catch the Popcaks on Ave Maria/EWTN Radio as well.
How to be Holy, by Peter Kreeft: I want to be holy, and it’s hard. I think this book has helped me focus on holiness as a goal (THE goal) and given me some practical ways to make progress toward it. I also like Kreeft’s Prayer for Beginners, which I’ve read several times.
The Little Oratory, by David Clayton and Leila M. Lawler: An oratory is a space you create in your home to pray and display beautiful objects and images related to your (Catholic) faith. I love this idea, and I had an oratory for a while, but I took it down for the sake of practicality (toddlers + candles/statues/vases of flowers = not an environment conducive to prayer). Maybe someday.
With God in Russia, by Daniel L. Flaherty and Walter Ciszek: This is an amazing story of faith and survival. If you’ve ever thought that what God is calling you to do is just too hard, you need to read this book. Trust me, what Ciszek did was harder.

Books on Parenting

Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay: I read this because it’s often discussed in foster parenting circles, and my husband and I are taking a class on it this spring. I like it because the tools and strategies make a lot of sense to me, and the authors give some great explanations of why certain popular parenting tactics don’t work (and I’ve failed at using many a popular parenting tactic). If you’re a firm believer in “my way or the highway” parenting, you will probably hate this book – at first.
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay: The authors take all of the great advice from Parenting with Love and Logic and apply them to teens. My favorite section is the Q&A at the end.
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, by Heather T. Forbes: A book about how to parent kids who’ve been through trauma (especially useful for foster parents, although I think it could help any parent). Forbes really dislikes Foster Cline and Jim Fay (Parenting with Love and Logic), but to me, many of the Love and Logic principles seem to be in line with what Forbes proposes.
The Foster Parenting Toolbox, by Kim Phagan Hansel: This is a huge collection of essays and articles on foster parenting and the issues foster parents and foster children face. You get a lot of different perspectives on a lot of different issues, and I think it’s a great read for new or potential foster parents.
Confessions of an Adoptive Parent, by Mike Berry: Berry talks about his experience as a foster and adoptive parent, which has been extremely difficult and lonely. His primary message is, “You are not alone!” This would be a great encouragement to someone struggling with their foster or adopted children; to someone who isn’t, it was a little scary.
The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary Chapman: If you’ve read the Five Love Languages book, this will be largely familiar, but it was helpful to read how the love languages apply to children. If you’re having trouble figuring out why your child is moody/disrespectful/disobedient/distant/etc., understanding and speaking their love language might make all the difference.
The Five Love Languages of Teens, by Gary Chapman: I enjoyed this book as well, because teenagers are so different from children and from adults; they truly deserve their own book on this subject. It’s a great reminder that teens DO need us to express our love to them, even though it may not seem like it.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: This is my second favorite book on the list. This book is very much in sync with the Parenting with Love and Logic books, but it focuses primarily on how you speak to your children. I am almost done with it, and I’m planning to immediately start re-reading it. There’s a workshop you can purchase, so you can teach a class in your community, so if you’re in western Iowa and want to start a group with me, let me know!
What Every Child Needs, by Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall: I like the ideas in this book, but it wasn’t spectacular. I didn’t finish it. I would rather read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen again that read the rest of this one.
Six Ways to Keep the Little in Your Girl, by Dannah Gresh: Scary. Overwhelming. A necessary read for moms with young girls.
From Santa to Sexting, by Brenda Hunter and Kristen Blair: This book was written by a mother and daughter, which I think is cool. Another good read for moms with young girls.
I’ll Hold You in Heaven, by Jack Hayford: I got this book because I wanted to be better able to understand and help women who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, abortion, or shortly after birth. But this book was disappointing. The author made several points that are un-Catholic, so as a Catholic, I had a hard time taking him seriously. This is a complex issue, and I felt like he was trying to over-simplify it…because he doesn’t have the tools he needed to be able to treat it properly. I found a list of Catholic books on miscarriage here: http://www.catholicmiscarriagesupport.com/resources/books/. I’m going to read a couple of those and see what I think.
Jesus on Parenting, by Dr. Teresa Whitehurst: I love the idea of parenting based on how Jesus would parent his children (we’re all his children, right?). But while this book has a lot of great analysis and discussion in it, it lacks practical advice. The author spends a lot of time describing how Jesus interacted with his disciples, which I agree should give me some idea as to how to treat my children, but I needed more “how-to’s”. I read this book twice and still am not sure how I can apply it to my children and my life.
The Sleepeasy Solution, by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivak: If you have a baby who won’t sleep, you have to read this book. At best, it will fix your sleep issues and change your life; at worst, it will give you hope for a few weeks that will keep you from going off the deep end, at least for a while.
The Happy Sleeper, by Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright: Very similar to The Sleepeasy Solution. Read them both. If you’re sleep-deprived enough, it’ll take at least a couple of these kinds of books to get through to your weary brain.

Books on Homeschooling

Growing Without Schooling, Volume 1, by John Holt: This is a compilation of several issues of John Holt’s unschooling newsletter from the 70’s and 80’s. Holt, though childless, was a huge advocate for children and for giving children more control over they way they learn. He spent his career observing and teaching children, in and out of school, and is a critic of the modern education system because, he says, it fails to educate. This book is a gold mine of ideas and support for those of us who “unschool.” If you don’t know much about homeschooling, or are suspicious of it, or are doing it, you should read at least one book by John Holt.
Learning All The Time, by John Holt: As the title suggests, Holt believes that children are learning all the time and that it’s detrimental to confine learning to a certain room or building or time of day. Lots of food for thought, and lots of great practical ideas for unschoolers.
Teach Your Own, by John Holt: This is very similar to Learning All The Time; Holt gives compelling reasons to “teach your own,” as well as lots of ideas on how to do it successfully.
Passion-Driven Education, by Connor Boyack: Another author who doesn’t like our education system (for good reason, I think) with ideas on what you can do instead. The basic idea is to find out what your child’s passions or interests are and help them explore those. Great resource for homeschoolers, and a good eye-opener for those who have never questioned our (U.S.) education system.
Sandra Dodd’s Big Book of Unschooling, by Sandra Dodd: This is a strange book. Parts of it, I love; parts of it, I disagree with; parts of it make no sense to me at all. The author has a website, sandradodd.com, and this book is basically a compilation of pages from that site. She relates, through a series of essays, how and why she unschooled her three children. I would really enjoy having a conversation with Mrs. Dodd about unschooling, and life, but I don’t think we’d ever be friends.
The Unschooling Handbook, by Mary Griffith: This is a less-opinionated, better organized version of Sandra Dodd’s Big Book of Unschooling. A good reference to have on hand if you’re struggling with how to teach a particular concept or subject, but not nearly as interesting to read.
The Read Aloud Handbook, by Jim Trelease: I still can’t get my kids to listen to me read aloud, but I did enjoy reading this book. I think that constant exposure to electronics has taken a huge toll on our families and our brains, and I don’t know that the strategies in a 30+ year old book work as well in today’s world as they once did. If I had it to do over, I would never have gotten TVs, tablets, Chromebooks, or smartphones, and we would spend hours a day reading books together. As it is now, I’m not sure whether there’s any going back.

I would LOVE to know what you’ve been reading and what’s on your list for 2019. Leave a comment if you want to share!

February 23, 2019 3 comments

Living your Faith

Love your neighbor: volunteer

written by Emily Thams

If you are like me, you have been in a position to recruit volunteers for something. You are on a board or committee and have needed to find people to help you carry out your mission. You got organized, planned your event, and sent out an email to get volunteers. You were enthusiastic and excited to do your thing. You were thinking about how great it would be if so-and-so volunteered because she is great with kids. Or how awesome it was going to be to organize your volunteers based on their gender, skills, and talents.

And then no one responded.

I work with several organizations (probably too many if you ask my husband) that rely on the servant hearts of others. All of the organizations are good causes, worthy of my time and effort. They all also take more than a few people to be successful, and they all have this one thing in common.

They struggle to find volunteers.

There are usually a small number of people who end up carrying the load. And while those people are a great blessing to me and to whatever the cause is, I am also discouraged at the lack of response and frustrated to have to pick up the slack. I wonder why. I take it personally. I want to quit myself.

I have done some reading on the subject, and there are actually some good reasons that people don’t volunteer for things.

They are concerned about not having the knowledge or skill to perform the task (I find this especially true when asking for help at church, people worry that they won’t know what to say or how to interact with a ministry or group).
They haven’t been asked to help. This doesn’t mean that they haven’t received your email asking them to help- they got that email. But they need to be asked personally. Preferably in person, not over the phone. They need to be able to ask questions and hear what a difference they will be making.
They’ve helped in the past, but they didn’t feel needed when they did. They showed up not having a specific task to do, and they didn’t have enough to keep them busy. They felt out of the loop.
They didn’t know anyone in the organization. They felt like an outsider. They weren’t included in the communication or planning. Again, they felt left out.
They are too busy. They are full time employees and trying to balance their work, home, social, and spiritual lives is overwhelming. Their kids play club sports so their evenings and weekends are filled with ballgames and practices.

Another trend I have noticed as I scroll through my Facebook feed is that women are urging each other to spend their free time taking care of themselves. Self-care is the buzz word. The memes and articles tell us that we need to spend time and money on ourselves so that we will feel better. It’s ok to be selfish. We are busy, tired, and we deserve it.

I challenge this.

Most of us, when we do take the time to do something for ourselves (which takes time and usually money), end up feeling guilty and having to catch up on the things we neglected while we were pampering ourselves. Not that we don’t deserve the occasional night off, date with our husbands, or trip to the spa. But these things don’t fill your soul the way giving back to a great cause does. They are a nice occasional treat, but they leave a void. In my experience, giving my time to others fills my cup. It makes me feel good. It reminds me of my purpose.

A few years ago I was trying to learn how to say no. I was working on not putting too many things on my plate. I felt overwhelmed by my responsibilities and decided that I just needed to start saying no- to an extra assignment at work, to a friend who wanted to have dinner, to the PTO asking me to make brownies, to the church asking for my time on a committee. I was going to turn everyone down and spend my time on me.

But I never did learn how to do it.

What I did learn is that I don’t have to say yes to everything, but I shouldn’t always say no either. I should prayerfully consider requests to participate, but not turn them down just for my own comfort and convenience.

Lately, my energy has been spent volunteering at my church more than anywhere else. That is where I feel called to serve. And also where it is the most difficult to recruit help.

I read this article article yesterday, and I love this idea. The author points out that our churches are like our homes and families. And in the same way that you can’t babysit your own kids (because they belong to you), you can’t volunteer in your church. You take care of your church. You look for the need and you help. You care about the salvation of your family, so you teach Sunday school, lead Bible study, and welcome new members.

I would challenge you to look for somewhere that you can give back. Start with your church. They need you. You need them. Look for even small ways that you can give. Ask around to find a need to fill. Be open to a request to join in.

Jesus said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27).

Praise Him and serve others. It’s what we are called to do!

February 20, 2019 1 comment

Finding Joy How to be a stay-at-home mom

Comparing and Competing

written by Allison Schoonover

Is motherhood a contest?

When I was a younger mom, there were places that I would go with my children where I felt like we were on display. Or in some kind of competition. Storytime at the library. Church. Homeschool group meetings. Places where other moms would be able to see – and judge – the fruits of my parenting and homeschooling based on how the kids behaved or how interesting I was to talk to. I loved the idea of hanging out with other moms…but in reality, I sometimes hated it. It often felt like so much pressure that I could barely make myself leave the house. I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious when I was around other families, because it seemed like everyone else was a supermom, with superkids, and my kids and I were just barely clinging to the very last shreds of normal.

woman in mirror, comparing and competing — Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

Falling short and getting discouraged

Everywhere we went, I met other moms who had cool jobs, grew all their own food, paid attention to the news, and still found time to volunteer for everything. Their kids were adorable, wore nice clothes, and played a bunch of sports and instruments. I couldn’t help but wonder…was I the only one noticing how out of place we were? I used to get really discouraged, and even though I loved my kids and I loved spending time with them, I would start freaking out about how we needed to change everything we were doing so that we could catch up to everyone else.

What?? Me??

Then, one day, I had a mom at one of these mom gatherings compliment me on how patient I was. (Probably because all of my kids were running around screaming while hers were quietly eating a homemade casserole in hand-made, matching outfits). Now, if you know me – if you really know me – you know that I am not patient. I may be more patient than I once was, due to the nearly endless opportunities I’ve had over the last 18 years to practice, but I would still never refer to myself as a patient person. There are many days where it takes every ounce of self-control I possess to keep my temper in check. But to this mom, I appeared to be so patient that she felt moved to compliment me.

Huh.

She even asked me how I did it (I said I had no idea).

I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation, and how this mom was so admiring of a quality I didn’t even think I possessed. So I wondered…why, when I was with other moms, did I spend so much time obsessing about myself and my kids and how we were being perceived? Why did I feel so inferior to other moms? Why did I think that I had to be so many things – smart, confident, organized, well-dressed, well-informed – to be liked? Why couldn’t I let others have their strengths and gifts, and let myself have my own strengths and gifts…and be content with that? Why did I want ALL the strengths and ALL the gifts and get envious and discouraged when I (repeatedly) discovered that I can’t possibly be or have it all?

As usual, I’m being an idiot

Why didn’t I focus all of that energy on getting to know and encourage the other moms? Were they feeling insecure too? Were they looking at me and imagining that I had it all together, while they were just barely hanging on? Why were we all so scared of each other?

I wanted to be friends with these women, but I didn’t think they’d like the real me. And, a part of me wanted to be BETTER than them at something…at everything, in fact…because that’s the only way I thought I could feel comfortable with them.

And then, I realized that I was being an idiot. People do not want to be friends with perfect people. They want to be friends with REAL people – people who are honest with themselves and about themselves. People with humility and a sense of humor about how flawed they really are.

I know now that if I want to be someone’s friend, I will eventually have to be vulnerable with them. I will have to admit that, yes, I always have a stockpile of frozen pizza and potato chips and marshmallow cereal on hand. I am not teaching my children Latin, I sometimes throw recyclables in the trash, and I occasionally forget the name of our vice president.

One of the best things I can do when I’m around a bunch of other moms is to expose some of my flaws. If I admit that the kids had Pop Tarts for breakfast and we’re all wearing yesterday’s underwear, maybe I’ll stop being someone else’s supermom and start being their friend.

Nobody needs another supermom; everyone could use another friend.

Totinos Pizza is its own food group

Last week, we went to my favorite homeschool group. It is chock full of sweet, intelligent, down-to-earth, Jesus-loving women. I used to be afraid of them. We usually bring our own lunches, which my kids never eat (instead, they beg their friends to share their lunches, because by anyone’s standards, everyone else’s lunches are better than ours). So I decided that instead of our usual peanut butter and jelly, I’d bring frozen pizza – clearly a step up, since it’s hot and contains more food groups. I started chatting with another mom who was in the kitchen getting her family’s lunch ready to go into the oven, so I asked her what she brought. What was it? Homemade turkey pot pie. With homemade crust. And turkey they had raised themselves. So did I spend the rest of our time together feeling embarrassed and inferior and imagining how disgusted this other mom must be? Nope. We laughed, and her kids ate her wonderful pot pie, and mine completely ignored the pizza (because they had already filled up on Oreos and potato chips), and we enjoyed the rest of our day together.

February 16, 2019 2 comments

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